Dejavu

I have a feeling, that i might be pregnant again.

To my surprise, both my husband and i get the same dream (not at the same time though), ie, i was pregnant. I didnt tell him when i get that dream. I guess sometimes when you put to much hope on it, it will appear on your dream. That's what i thought when i get that dream, so i didnt tell my husband. And when one morning when i woke him up, he suddenly burst out, "abg mimpi bb pregnant". It took my attention. Orang cakap dalam mimpi kita tu selalu terbalik. Contoh, kalau kita mimpi kita kahwin dengan orang A, yang betul-betul jadi ialah, kita tak jadi kahwin dengan orang A. Tapi orang cakap. Belum tentu betul kan. Itu semua kuasa Allah.

And since my blood test result finally turn out to be ok after 4th time of testing (Alhamdullilah), the doctor allowed me and husband to started to try to conceived again. But i will double check everything again to be sure.

I still feel 50-50 because i wanted to prepare mentally and physically before we started to try again. The pain of losing is still here. I dont think it will go away for the time being. But, u know, i am still hoping to get pregnant again without any fuss i have to go through.

I started to feel just like i was pregnant before. So bloated. feel nausea at certain time. And feel cramping around my stomach. It is like a dejavu.

But unfortunately for me, everytime i get my menses after d &c procedure, i always feel bloated and fatigue. Especially when i didnt get my menses for almost 5 months after d&c which was quite a worry to me and the doctor as it is not normal for not having menses for that long. But the problem solves after 5 months. Not that i'm not fertile, but because some other reason that i dont really like to share here. What i'm trying to say here is that, the symptom of getting pregnant and menses was quite the same for me.

The only solutions for me is to wait for that date. The date i should get my menses. So....

Turn out that i didnt get pregnant. I didnt know what i feel right now. I didnt tell my husband the whole story from the begining since he's busy and i know both of us are still cant get over the first pregnancy so the second one would be harder. And i always know that Allah has better plan for us so ya, He might want my husband and i to be prepared mentally and physically for the second one.

And since i still feel unwell for several time, i think that i should be fit before anything happen. I'm lying if i said i didnt put hope to be mother soon enough but i guess from what i experiencing, from all the pain i've been through, after several of blood test, the pain of needle go through my skin, all the medicine i have to eat, i think, Allah wants the best for my husband and i. He knows everything. So want i can do now is, trying so hard to be fit inside and out. InsyaAllah ;)

Masterchef?

Being at home and as i am jobless for now (ok, i have a job but i prefer to do it at my own time. bukan 8-5 lagi), makes me keep watching tv and khatam all the novels i used to read when i'm still a student. Tv show that i like to watch now is masterchef malaysia. Ok, rasa agak pelik bila compare both malaysia version and us version. Malaysia version is quite skema, in my opinion.

But it was fun though. And tak sangka ramai orang boleh masak hebat2 dalam masa yang cepat. Rasa sangat kagum dengan diorang. Untuk orang macam saya yang baru berjinak-jinak nak masak2 ala2 kampung style ni tengok orang kita boleh masak makanan yang nampak sangat sedap buat saya rasa terinspirasi. Haha ayat bm saya agak teruk, sila abaikan. Bare with me ya. hehe

Actually, yang buat saya sangat2 kagum is that diorang boleh masak macam2 dalam masa yang saya rasa agak singkat. I mean, 45min je nak masak kadang2 2-3 dishes? Pergh, sangat kagum. Kena belajar cara yang cepat jugak ni. Tapi yang pasti bila nak masak je kena ada mood. And selalunya mood tak ada bila en suami jauh. Jadi boleh tak instead of imitate cara diorang masak, saya imitate cara judge tu bagi arahan. And dah try pon tadi dengan kakak saya yang masak tadi.

my sis: (sibuk kat dapur)
saya: Masa yang diberikan hanya 30 min. Masa yang tinggal hanya 15minit sahaja.
my sis : (gelak sambil tak puas hati saya bahan dia)
saya: Masa yang tinggal kini hanya 10 saat. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6............
my mom dah gelak2..
my sis: (sambil gelak, sambil menghalau saya keluar dapur)

Moral, erm kacaulah family anda ketika en suami jauh or ketika anda bosan. Tak rugi. haha

ok, saya baru first time guna breadmaker and buat roti setelah beli breadmaker berbulan lepas sampai kena perli dengan en suami sebab tak buat2. haha. Jadi a day before yesterday, mood dengan tiba2 datang. Terpaksalah buat bagi en suami jeles takde kat subang ni nak rasa hasil ulian tangan saya ni. Eh, kenapa tulis panjang2 ni. Mission sebenarnya nak berlagak da boleh buat pizza sendiri walaupon roti agak keras. hehe. And btw, yang hijau tu bukan petai. en suami boleh ingat petai pulak. hahaha

happily ever after...or not?

Do you remember when we still a child where we were given a story book such as snow white, cinderella whereby the heroine will always suffer at first and then meet her prince and live happily ever after?

Do you at least once feels like you are going to be like them? I do.. when i was a child..

When we still a child, we do not have to face any difficulties in life and we were given a perspective that when we became adult, there are still no problem to live happily ever after just like the book we used to read..

And we were still a child we wish of getting older faster than it should be. So that we could have our own decision on what to do or where to have fun without any interruption by our parent. And the dream of getting married to a prince/princess and live happily ever after.

Who to blame? Do we blame the book. Or maybe the writer. He gave a wrong perspective of life that we might be sad at first but we will be happy eventually.. He did not write the truth.. He did not tell the story after the princess gets married to her prince. He didnt mention that after being married with her prince, both her and her prince might face some difficulties that they would never forget. And it might be so hard that it will ache even just thinking about it.

So who to blame? Adult who tells lie? Adult who just want children to experience happiness by creating a character like cinderella before they became adult and facing problem and didnt experience happiness like being told in the bedtime story..

Cendol + tempe goreng

Duduk senang-lenang macam ni tiba-tiba teringat suasana best masa di kampung yang mana bila petang je saya selalu mengendeng ngan encik suami tercinta ajak pegi makan cendol bawah pokok sambil makan tempe goreng cicah sambal kicap... haih.... kat subang ni mana nak dapat suasana macam tu ye?

ice cream flavour..

Bila terbaca or terdengar kisah budak-budak yang umurnya baru setahun jagung bercinta dan putus cinta n cerita betapa sakitnya hati sebab putus cinta, terasa macam nak beritahu dia,

"Girl, there are so much pain that awaits you in your future, when you're adult. So just enjoy the moment, fall in love, a lot..Because when you're adult, there's things that you can't change and when you're feeling pain, no one can help you but yourself..'

Tapi siapa saya nak judge kan. Saya bukan dia. Saya tak rasa apa dia rasa. Cuma kalau masa ni boleh dihentikan, saya nak berhenti masa saya masih kanak-kanak yang mana masalah saya cumalah nak kena buat pilihan flavour ice-cream yang saya nak beli..hehehe

Surreal..

It just feel surreal that i've been married for a year now.. My husband were not here with me now. But still, I thank Allah for giving me one of the greatest gift in the world, my husband. Happy Anniversary, dear beloved husband.. You're my husband, best friend, my world, my everything..

"Apabila sakit, ucaplah Alhamdullilah..."

I woke up this morning with a very sad feeling. I wanted to pour my heart out by writing what i felt. And i did write it but it wasn't finished and i took a break of writing it as tears were running down my cheek while i'm writing it.

It just heartbreaking thinking about the subject i am going to write that is about this coming 17 November 2011. The edd if i still pregnant. I was hoping i could just forget about the date. Things that trigger me was jealousy. I feel envy to some of my friends who were posting the pictures of their just born baby. Or posts their status on fb about their experience on pregnancy as some of them were just pregnant or getting near their due date. I am happy for them but at the same time i am jealous of them for not having problems like i do. They did hurt me without realizing it as they were unaware of my condition. Then i opened iluvislam.com to get motivated by reading the articles.

And guess what? I suddenly realise that everytime when i feel sad about what had happened to me, i was feeling sympathy to myself. Which is actually quite pathetic if i tried to recall again. I keep mourning and asking myself when will this end. When will this pain of losing will go away. And when people told me "dah bukan rezeki" with a blank face (i thought they were but it might not be true) or asked me to tough up since this not just happen to me; it happen to somebody else too, i just feel so freaking angry.

Because they said something that they didnt experienced. It is easier said than done. They might have lost someone they loved but there's always a difference between each lost. What's on my mind,

"They didnt get pregnant and vomit 20 times a day without husband on their side. They didnt feel the heartburn 24/7 and no one to coax them. They didnt feel so vulnerable and too tired to just talk. And the only thing that can get they keep strong is the feeling that they are going to have a child and a strong motherhood reaction that they will do just anything to protect their child even he/she is still small in their womb. They will eat every hours as much as they vomit everytime they eat. They didnt find out they get pregnant without husband on their side to be hugged and experience the joyful moment together..And they didnt have to go to the clinic for checkup by themself alone. And when the first time they went to the clinic with their husband, the suppose to be the most joyful moment in their married life, it became the most frustrating and just like nightmares when what they wanted to do is just woke up from the sleep so that all the nightmares will go away..Only to realize that it wasnt a nightmares. It's reality.. They cant say anything to coax me because they didnt experience what i experienced. What they say is not comforting me at all. It actually makes my wound become deeper and deeper..."

What i didnt remember when i feel sorry to myself is that, i keep telling myself i am okay and i am trying slowly accepting the facts of what had happen to me when i am actually half-heartly accepting all this. There's time when i feel that i'm 'redha' with the tests given by Allah to my husband and i. There's time when i am not. I keep blaming myself for what happen. If only i went to the clinic earlier without waiting for my husband to come home. If only i went to the specialist, not the normal doctor when i feel cramping on my stomach.. If only i could turn back time. I might have save the baby if i did that. At least thats what i thought at that particular moment.

At that moment, I forgot that everything happens for a reason. When i feel so sad, i forgot that there's always another 'thing' that will actually try their best to make me feel angry to the creator. To make me lost my path as a muslims. To makes me forgot that Allah has His plan for my husband and I. Setiap orang tu sentiasa ada syaitan yang memujuk untuk lupa pada Allah. I forgot that sometimes.

When i read the articles from iluvislam.com, i came to my senses. Ujian Allah tu sebenarnya nak buat kita dekat dengannya. Allah takkan uji kita dengan perkara yang kita tak boleh handle. Sama jugak macam orang yang diuji dengan pelbagai sakit. Allah nak menyucikan hamba-Nya sebab sakit tu penghapus dosa2 kecil. Kalau Allah uji kita dengan sakit dan sebagainya maknanya kita antara insan terpilih. Sepatutnya kita kena bersyukur sebab kita jadi insan terpilih. Andai kata hidup kita senang lenang tanpa apa-apa ujian atau sakit, mungkin kita patut risau. Itu yang diberitahu oleh salah seorang kenalan pada saya.

So, for people out there who were or am experiencing the most difficult moment on your life, i cant say that i feel you. What i can say is that, Allah will always be with you on your difficult moment. Cry as much as you can to feel relieve and dont stop praying and asked Allah your wishes. I am ashamed that sometimes i only remember Him when i go through the most difficult days of my life. I was hoping to change for good.

The sentence that gives so much impact to me in that articles was, "..apabila sakit, ucaplah Alhamdulillah..Hanya Allah yang Maha Mengetahui.." Hope the sentence will help others.

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, Aku mohon maaf atas kelalaianku. Ya Allah, andai kata ujian yang kau berikan ini yang terbaik untukku, tolonglah aku dan suami laluinya dengan penuh tabah, redha dan penuh kesyukuran kepadamu Ya Allah. Kau tetapkanlah hati kami, iman kami padamu agar kami tak melupakanmu. Amin..

Untuk bacaan umum

I've received this email a while ago and i just want to share with everyone especially for woman :)

Untuk bacaan UMUM :-

Kaum feminin cakap “susah jadi wanita”, mereka telah digoda dan diperdaya oleh syaitan dan hawa nafsunya sendiri, seperti yang kita lihat dialog dibawah, bagaikan mempersoalkan ketentuan Allah terhadap mereka. Dengan kata lain yang agak kasar, Allah berat ...sebelah pada kaum wanita.

Keluhan remaja perempuan 1:

“Aduh, situ tutup, sini tutup. Susah la gini. Apasal laki-laki mudah saja. Tak pakai baju pun takpe. Perempuan auratnya lagi banyak.”

Keluhan isteri 2:

“Kenapa la kita para isteri ni nak keluar kena minta izin dari suami kita, padahal suami kita nak keluar kemana-mana pun tak bagitau kita takpe pulak.”

Keluhan remaja perempuan 3:

“Jika kita ikut faraid dalam hal pusaka, rugilah kita. Sebab bahagian harta pusaka perempuan lagi sedikit berbanding harta yang anak lelaki dapat. Kami mahu keadilan!”

Keluhan isteri 4:

“Kenapa Allah jadikan wanita mengandung dan rasa sakitnya nak melahirkan anak. Suami kita rileks saja? Masa buat anak carilah kita, masa nak beranak kita tanggung sendiri!”

Keluhan isteri 5:

“Islam kata kita perempuan wajib taat pada suami, tapi ada Islam cakap suami perlu taat pada isterinya? Mana keadilan pada kaum hawa?”

Keluhan isteri 6:

“Bila nak cerai je, suami yang boleh jatuhkan talak. Kenapa isteri tak bolek ceraikan suaminya? Kenapa?”

Keluhan remaja perempuan 7:

“Wanita takleh nak beribadat macam lelaki, sebab bila kita ada haid dan nifas, takleh nak solat dan puasa. Ingat perempuan ni suka ke tak solat dan puasa?”.

Dan kemudian datanglah pertubuhan dan organisasi yang membela kaum wanita, dan menuntut hak samarata antara gender, mengekploitasi fahaman wanita yang terjejas akidahnya dek kerana disogok pertanyaan. Kaum lelaki pula cakap, “Ah, mujur aku ni lelaki!”

Tunggu..! Istigfarlah pada wanita yang ada perasaan seperti di atas. Mujur ada seorang lelaki yang bukanlah seorang ustaz namun amat yakin bahawa Allah itu Maha Adil. Dia tidak mampu menuturkan sabda Rasulullah s.a.w dan petikan dari ayat Al-Quran, namun dengan keimanan dan ilmu sedikit yang dia ada ,diolah sebaiknya untuk menjawab soalan-soalan melampau itu.

Lelaki beriman menjawab keluhan remaja perempuan 1:

“Cik adik, Islam lah yang mengangkat aurat wanita. Benda yang mahal harganya akan dijaga dan dibelai serta disimpan ditempat yang teraman dan terbaik. Awak ada emas dan permata, adakah awak nak letak terdedah ditepi laluan lalu lalang atau disimpan dirumah agar tiada siapa melihat perhiasan itu? Ok, jika awak letakkan perhiasan tadi dikalangan orang, agaknya apa akan jadi dengan barang perhiasan tadi? Lelaki, yang utama hanyalah bawah pusat ke lutut tapi awak? Saya tidak dapat melihat kulit anda pun kecuali muka dan tangan! Awak tak mungkin akan terangsang nafsu tengok saya hanya berseluar pendek ke lutut kan? Tapi kalau sebaliknya, jangankan saya, tapi tok imam pun akan tercabut serbannya jika tengok awak pakai hanya seluar pendek!”

Lelaki beriman menjawab keluhan isteri 2:

“Ok, isteri perlu taat pada suami. Jadi, lelaki apa? Suami perlu wajib taat juga kepada ibunya tiga kali lebih utama dari ayahnya, walaupun dia sudah berkeluarga. Isteri tidak perlu lagi, taatnya hanya pada suami. Kenapa awak perlu taat pada suami? Kerana suami kalian lah yang menanggung dosa yang kalian lakukan!”

Lelaki beriman menjawab keluhan remaja perempuan 3:

“Betul ke wanita menerima warisan pusaka lagi sedikit daripada lelaki? Tapi kan, harta itu memang hak untuk wanita itu dan dia berhak lakukan apa saja yang dia mahu. Shh.. jangan kongsi dengan sape-sape walaupun suami. Tak kesian pada lelaki ke, dia perlu membahagikan harta pusaka itu kepada isteri dan anak-anaknya. Kalau isteri dia ramai, anak dia ramai, harta pulak secebis, tak merasa lah jawabnya!”

Lelaki beriman menjawab Keluhan isteri 4:

“Tahniah la sebab awak dapat mengandung dan melahirkan. Setiap kali awak begitu, wanita itu didoakan oleh sekalian makhluk dan malaikat! Beruntungnya awak! Andaikan awak meninggal pula masa beranak tu, percayalah… itu mati syahid dan ganjarannya syurga. Ya, syurga menanti awak malah beranak 15 kali pun sihat sampai ke tua! Sebab tu tak ramai orang wanita meninggal masa melahirkan !”

Lelaki beriman menjawab Keluhan isteri 5:

“Akhirat nanti, saya dan lelaki lain didunia ini akan diminta bertanggungjawab keatas empat jenis wanita. Siapa? Mereka ialah isteri saya, ibu saya, anak perempuan saya dan adik perempuan saya. Tahu maksudnya? Awak nanti di akhirat, awak akan dibantu oleh empat lelaki! Siapa mereka? Mereka ialah suami, ayah, adik atau abang malah anak lelaki awak!”

Lelaki beriman menjawab Keluhan remaja perempuan 6:

“Nak beribadat macam lelaki? Ingat mudah ke nak dapat syurga? Sedarlah, awak sebagai wanita boleh masuk sebarang pintu syurga yang awak sukai. Ya, dah la syurga, ada pilihan pula hanya dengan empat cara. Apa itu? Solat lima waktu, berpuasa bulan Ramadhan, menjaga kehormatan dan tahu apa satu lagi? Taat pada suami awak. Itu saja asasnya!”

Lelaki beriman menjawab Keluhan isteri 7:

“Saya, seorang lelaki wajib berjihad fisabilillah. Awak, seorang wanita jika taat akan suaminya,dan menunaikan tanggungjawabnya kepada Allah, maka awak akan turut menerima pahala setara seperti pahala orang pergi berjihad fisabilillah tanpa perlu mengangkat senjata!”

Lelaki beriman bertanya:

“Sebenarnya, apa lagi yang awak mahu, wahai kaum hawa?”

Namun, wanita-wanita tadi menangis dan salah seorangnya berkata;

“MasyaAllah, sayangnya Allah pada wanita, namun kami sendiri yang mengheret diri ke neraka yang mana ramainya kaum kami berbanding kaum lelaki!”

Demikianlah dialog wanita-wanita yang curiga itu dengan seorang lelaki biasa namun beriman.

Musuh Islam tidak akan berhenti melakukan segala upaya, sampai kita ikut dan tunduk kepada cara-cara dan peraturan yang dipromosikan dan diperjuangkan mereka.

Allah, yang menciptakan kita, maka sudah pasti Dia yang Maha Tahu pada manusia, sehingga segala hukumNya malah peraturanNya, tentulah yang terbaik bagi manusia dibandingkan dengan segala peraturan yang dicipta manusia.

Wahai lelaki, jagalah isterimu kerana dia perhiasan, pakaian dan ladangmu, sebagaimana Rasulullah s.a.w pernah mengajarkan agar kaum lelaki berbuat baik selalu (lembut) terhadap isteri anda sekalian.

Berbahagialah wahai para muslimah. Tunaikan dan menegakkan agamamu, nescaya syurga menanti...

I was browsing my old messages and i want to share with everyone. It kinda boost up our spirit for not giving up things. Here it goes..

Sometimes, Allah breaks our spirit to save our soul

Sometimes, He breaks our heart to make us whole

Sometimes, He sends us pain so we can be stronger

Sometimes, He sends us failure so we can be humble

Sometimes, He sends us illness so we can take better care of ourselves

Sometimes, He takes "EVERYTHING" away from us so we can learn the value of "EVERYTHING" we have and the greatness is he give us "LOVE" in our heart so that we are happy all the time..

Based on the messages, it shows that Allah SWT wants to test us sometimes to remind us about His existence.

Sometimes i act like the happiest person in the world even my heart were aching so hard that i cant breath.

Sometimes i feel like the most pathetic person who wants the attention all the time from the person i loved when i go through stuffs that is quite painful.

Sometimes i forgot that through all the pain i've been through and still am going through, I have husband, family and friends to depend on.

And the most important things is that sometimes i forgot that Allah gives us test to make us stronger and depend on Him more.

I am trying to accept all the test given to me with redha.. InsyaAllah

Drama vs Realiti

Pejam celik pejam celik rupanya saya dah jadi isteri orang 10 bulan lebih. When people asked me what's the difference between being single and being married, i basically dont have the answer since my husband is an offshore man. But usual answer that i provided them was, 'sekarang da ada kampung', tanggungjawab lebih sket and family da ramai since his family is mine. hehe..

Dulu suami saya selalu mention yang dia dan family dia selalu takut kalau-kalau saya tak dapat adapt kehidupan kat kampung. And sceptically orang selalu pikir orang yang lahir n dah hidup kat bandar sepanjang hidup ni macam 'geli' kalau duduk di kampung. Makanan kampung pon tak boleh nak masuk and so on.

I can only blame television. Yelah, drama2 selalu tunjuk, contohnya si perempuan orang bandar anak orang kaya kahwin dengan si lelaki anak orang kampung. And bila si lelaki bawak si perempuan balik kampung, si perempuan ala2 geli nak makan and merungut je bila kat kampung.

Jadi ya, saya blame tv bagi pengaruh kat orang2 yang cakap orang yg pure hidup kat bandar tak betah duduk di kampung. Tak semualah macam tu kan. Come on, habis tu kalau ikut drama, orang kampung yang dulu susah dan bila dah berjaya jadi kaya dah lupa diri and taknak balik kampung sendiri. Macam tu ke? Tak betul..tak betul.. nama pon drama kan.

Pengalaman sendiri, bila mula-mula balik kampung rasa sangat excited, "ok, aku da ada kampung sekarang, ok" Nada nak tiru ayat tu kena ala2 manja gedik dan bongkak. Haha. But i guess i have the best family in law i can imagine of (ok, ayat bodek family belah husband walaupon diorang tak baca..haha).

But seriously, they taught me and treat me well when i was there. I felt like i am most welcomed in the family. Kalau orang lain lepas kenduri baru datang rumah husband, saya dengan muka tak malunya dah ada kat kampung 2 hari sebelum kenduri lagi. Orang cakap hilang seri ke whatsoever saya tak pedulilah. Dah Encik Suami mintak tolong balik awal sebab nak siapkan preparation jadi ikutlah kan. Nanti jadi isteri derhaka pulak. hehe.. Masa awal2 kadang-kadang jadi rimas sendiri bila orang tanya, ok ke kat kampung ni. Tak panas ke.. boleh ke ni duduk kampung. Tapi saya selalu balas dengan senyuman paling manis yang saya boleh buat. hehe

Tapi langit tak sentiasa cerah. I still remember the 4th day at kampung. I was so lost that i cried alone in the room where my husband spotted me. Haha gila sememeh masa tu. At that time, everyone went back to KL and i dont know what to do. Bila masuk dapur nak tolong MIL, dia tak bagi, suh duduk je. Bila nak ikut husband pegi beli lauk untuk makan tengahari, dia tak bagi jugak, suruh teman MIL and tolong apa yang patut. Masa tu rasa macam lost, nak buat apa pon tak boleh. Yelah duduk di tempat baru, taktau nak buat apa. Nak tolong pon tak dibenarkan. But i guess it just a matter of time kan.

Sekarang getting better. Cuma adalah je benda yang tak reti nak wat. Sebab taktau mana simpan jug and so on. And selalunya kalau kat dapur hanya jadi watak sampingan yang tolong kupas bawang and so on. Ye, saya tak berani lagi masak untuk semua orang sebab saya tak reti lagi masak dalam portion yang banyak. Still dalam process belajar masak. Ada hikmah jugak suami selalu kerja jauh lama2. Taklah saya kena masak hari2. (opss..terlepas pulak..haha)

Ok pendek cerita, janganlah terpengaruh sangat dengan drama2 tu.. Tak semestinya apa yang jadi kat drama tu realiti. Selalunya kan tu permainan penulis je. Budak bandar pon boleh duduk kampunglah..Jangan sceptical cakap dia akan geli dengan semua benda kat kampung and makanan dia.. Saya suka makan masakan kampung ok. Especially sambal godok (makanan orang jawa..hee..)

An emo thought

Terbaca suratkhabar pasal sorang remaja perempuan 14tahun yang tidak segan silu mengaku sudah tidak dara, buat saya terfikir apa perasaan orang tua dia bila dengar anaknya berani buat pengakuan 'berani mati' tu. I tried not to be jugdemental. It's her right to do so but i am more concern about her parents. If i were one of her parents, i couldnt know what i'll do. Honestly to be a parent one have to be prepared to faced obstacle like this. To be prepared on what will happen to their child.. to whom their child will become..

To be parents is not easy. I heard someone said and i still remember my husband told me, (something like this) "Allah lebih tau dari kita. Kalau kita belum bersedia jadi ibu n abah, Allah tau....Kalau kita belum bersedia jadi pemimpin anak-anak kita, jadi belum adalah rezeki untuk kita jadi ibu n abah...."

How do we know that we are prepared to be parents..And when..

And when we are prepared, will we be granted children from Allah..

We never know.. All we can do know is to pray and get back to our one and only, Allah SWT..

Yang muda, akan tua..

Yang sihat, akan sakit...

Yang datang, akan pergi..

Yang hidup, akan mati...

Mati itu akan datang bila-bila, tak kira masa..

Tapi bersediakah kita dengan mati?

..............................

Today is always better than yesterday

Betul lah orang cakap..masa memang boleh sembuhkan luka (luar n dalam). i dont really feel so lost and empty like before. The pain is still there. Only that i feel much better now. I do feel stomach ache occasionally especially when i have to climb stairs but i think i'm ok.

I used to think that i am too fortunate to be part of my family. To have life i had before anything happened. I didnt have much problem only crisis with myself (which is silly i.e to know what i really want to do in life). When i'm still young, looking at my friends who having family issue or other problems that could include anything, i feel fortunate and grateful and sometimes i feel envy because problems they were facing makes them mature more than i am. Now, i realize that i'm so stupid at that time.

Allah has their plan ahead for us. I do realize it that now. Facing what i am facing right now, having to know that i may have severe problems more than miscarriage makes me realize that. But i know, Allah will be there for me. My husband, my family will be besides me all the time. And i always could rely on surah al-baqarah ayat 286, "Allah takkan membebani seseorang melainkan dengan kesanggupannya......."

Travelling to shah alam everyday since we have moved out from the former office has its pros and cons.

Pros-
1. it only took 10-15minutes to get home after working long hours
2. it took only 3-5 minutes to reached shah alam after toll
3. sometimes it took only 10-15minutes to reached office
4. there are a lot of restaurant near by my office (walking distance)

Cons
1. toll= RM 2.20 per day
2. Expenses for petrol increased
3. Food in shah alam were more expensive than we used to eat in subang
4. I have to go through heavy traffic in subang to enter federal highway. Likewise when i reached shah alam.. haih

ok busan entry ni..

Tukar topic.

Kadang-kadang bila mood saya turun naik, saya tend to jadi gila buat lawak tak kena masa. Kat ofis saya ada sorang ofismate yang kadang-kadang bila orang tanya mesti dia jawab jawapn tak betul dulu baru jawapan betul.

Tadi dia tanya saya, dah buat PMR? (shortform nama untuk satu company yang assign co. saya untuk buat acc)

Jawapan saya? Lama dah.. 10 tahun lepas.. hahaha.. terus dia diam buat muka sedih sampai orang lain tanya kenapa. Bila cerita balik, kakak ofis lain cakap padan muka..selalu kenakan orang, ni dah sendiri terkena..haha..

Sapa yang paham, paham..yang tak paham, macam biasalah, buat2 paham..hahaha

why does it still hurt me so bad. it has been 2 weeks and it still hurt me. reading everyone status on mother's day, how much they love their mother and i dont know why but it makes me feel bad. and i have no one to talk about it.. i feel empty as much as i feel lonely..

The mortifying moments..

It took me a long time to realize that i had missed miscarriage. Sometimes i do feel like the baby is still growing inside me. To realize that he/she is not growing inside me is so devastating. I still remember the day i went to get a second opinion about my miscarriage. My husband and I watch tv at the clinic and we laughed at the joke and we keep laughing at our own joke. But when we stop talking or laughing, without notice, tears were dropping down my cheeks. Both of us were trying to be strong but we're not. I am not. I tried to be discreet when i cried. Only my husband notice it. Everytime i saw the baby's gloves i cant stop myself from crying.

I remember the day i fetch my husband at the airport and he was too happy to see me and my belly. I remember the day we went for shopping. He bought me so many pregnancy clothes for me..The moment we went shopping and when we reach at the baby's section, i keep telling him that if we had a daughter i want to buy some cute dress for her and i point every dress that i feel cute that i want to buy all those clothes..

I still remember the night before I had the d & c. I slept late at night and i woke up around 5 am in the morning. I cant sleep. I went down to wash some clothes since i cant do it after i had d & c for several days/weeks. I tried to not thinking about it but i just cant help it. I washed the clothes with tears running down my cheeks. I cant control my emotion that time. I cried as much i wish as i knew no one will looked at me with sympathetic looks on their face. That morning, i feel so empty. I try to put a blank face so that no one will knew about what will happen to me. I dont need another sympathetic looks on the nurses. They didnt say it but it shows and it just make me feel worse. My husband and i didnt say a word about what will happen to me. But i know, he feel as much as devastated as i am. He feels nervous that morning. We went to the hospital around 7++..my parents follows me as i knew my parents were also worried about me.

We registered at daily care surgery. Then about 5-10 minutes the nurse called me. My husband kissed me on the cheek and i kissed him back. That is the moment in my life that i will never forget. The nurse asked me to changed to hospital clothes. She took my blood pressure and asked me several question about my health history. Then she asked me to lie down. A few minutes later two doctors came to me to asked me again since they have to sedate me before the operation. I still have the sympathetic looks from them. I heard him talking with his assistant that they have to give me an antibiotic since i had miscarriage on my 6 weeks but at that moment, i've carried my 'child' for about 11 weeks. It might me dangerous for me.

After that, they brought me to the operation theater. That moment, the 1st time i enter OT and at that moment, i feel the emptiness in my heart..in my mind. I remember the time i had to lie down at the special bed for the operation..the moment i lie down i feel scared but the idea of getting my child out from me is mortifying. I still regard it as my child eventhough he/she never had a chance to grew healthily inside me. I cant remember what the doctor had done to me after they gave me oxygen.

Suddenly, the nurse called my name. She said that everything is over. She more concern about my health since i might feel nausea and headache but alhamdullillah i didnt feel those things. I only feel cramping around my stomach area and emptiness in my heart. After she give me rest for a several hours, i was allowed to go home. It was about 11 am that time.

From that day until today, the moment i wrote about what happen to me, i am recovered. It is hard to lose someone u grew with but it's much harder to lose someone who was growing inside u..It is hard for me since i can feel someone inside me before and i cant feel anything now. I feel like i miss the moment where i vomit all day. Now i feel like it was okay to feel what i felt before than what i have to feel now. It was okay to feel so tired and vomiting about 20 times a day rather than the emptiness i had to feel after d & c..

but i'm getting better now with the support of my husband, my family and my friends. Sometimes there's a moment when i feel rage when people told me that there's another person who had lost their child during 8 months of pregnancy and whatsoever. I know they were trying to comfort me to tell me that they were other person who encounter a worse situation and i should be grateful since i didnt encounter the same thing they did. Only they didnt realise that no matter how soon the baby died is not an issue here. I did lose my baby and it was my first child. Our first child. Some people were only asking about my condition. They didnt realize that my husband lose a child too..

But all the rage..all the devastating were slowly went away right now. I'm accepting the test that God gives to us. We were just human. Everything happens for a reason.. I will recover soon enough..It just a matter of time..

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku Yang Maha Mengasihi lagi Maha Mengetahui, andai ini ujian Kau pada kami, kami redha Ya Allah. Ampunilah dosa-dosa kami Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku....

"i wish i could just sleep and keep my eyes closed because this is like that moment in the morning when you first wake up and you're still half asleep and everything seems...things are possible, dreams feel true, and for that one moment between waking and sleeping, anything can be real. And you open your eyes, the sun hits you and you realize that.............

i wish i could just keep my eyes closed.."

Bila Allah sayangkan hambanya, dia akan uji hambanya. Dulu, saya selalu pikir ujian yang diberi kepada saya, saya masih boleh cope. Tapi bila diuji dengan ujian besar yang saya tengah lalui sekarang, terasa macam ada lubang dekat hati saya. Macam lukanya dalam sangat dan sangat susah nak sembuh. Tapi saya percaya, Allah takkan uji saya dengan perkara yang saya tak boleh terima.

Ada sebab kepada perkara ni diuji pada saya dan suami. Selalunya ada hikmah atas apa saja yang berlaku. There's always a reason for what happen. Maybe to teach us to be stronger. Tapi susah nak jadi stronger bila tak boleh control airmata ni dari jatuh.....

macamana nak jadi betul-betul tabah? orang cakap berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu yang dipikul. true..so true....

Bila kawan-kawan ramai nak kahwin tahun ni, teringat last year masa prepare nak kahwin. Boleh dikatakan kami ni rushing jugakla nak kahwin. Orang lain couple 5-6 tahun baru nak kahwin, kadang xjadi kahwin. Or at least orang couple setahun dua baru nak kahwin. Saya dan suami saya? Erm xsampai setahun rapat terus decide nak kahwin. Macam xpercaya je awal2 tu yang kami nak kahwin. Rasa macam jumpa/dating kurang 15 kali then keluar as husband and wife dah. Gilos? maybe. Ntah. hehe. Tapi kalau da jumpa orang yang kita rasa boleh hidup bersama kenapa nak hesitate lagi kan?

Ingat lagi masa first time my husband datang jumpa family. Family saya ingat macam nak kenal-kenal je. Sekali dia terus cakap nak tunang. Terkejut diorang sampai terdiam. Haha.. Situation kakak saya pulak, bila tunang kakak saya datang, sebelum tunang kononnya nak datang merisik tapi xcakap pasal merisik langsung. Tunang kakak saya macam malu nak cakap dengan family dia pasal nak kahwin dengan kakak saya. Mak saya cakap, yang sorang malu sangat sampai nak cakap ngan mak sendiri pon malu. Yang sorang lagi terus cakap direct ngan mak sampai mak terkejut. Haha. Tapi semua pon cakap yang lagi baik cakap direct. Ramai puji suami saya gentleman (dia akan poyo kalo saya cakap dia gentleman.haha).

Masa nak kahwin aritu macam-macam dugaan betul. Yelah, dah rushing nak kahwin kan. Dewan semua penuh. Nasib baik jumpa jugak dewannya. Walaupon xberapa suka dewannya, ambik jugak since dah semua tempat fully booked kan. Tarikh pulak kena cepatkan since my parents request seblum diorang pergi haji. Macam-macamlah. Kalau pikir-pikir balik rasa cam kalaula boleh amend mistake yang saya buat masa preparation tu. Barulah dapat yang diimpikan. Yelah macam setiap orang kan ada wedding of their dream kan. Bila tengok orang lain punya majlis kadang-kadang jeles diorang boleh buat apa yang saya xsempat buat dulu. Tapi bila pikir-pikir lagi sekali, alah, wedding yang semegah mana pon kalau perkahwinan xbahagia pon xguna kan? Duit habis banyak untuk kahwin tapi after kahwin macamana? lagila nak pakai duit banyak lagi. Tapi xpelah, let bygone be bygone. Yang pentingnya masa sekarang and masa depan.

Suami saya baru pulang dari kerja 3 hari. Semalam kami keluar dating beli baju pregnant saya. Tiba-tiba rasa macam dulu-dulu masa zaman belum kahwin except rasa lagi best. Asyik gelak je kami. Macam baru-baru bercinta. hehe. Tadi masa lunch sama pon sama je. Gelak lagi. Alah orang cakap apa, dalam hati ada taman? haha. Kadang saya cam takut je nak jadi mak. Perangai masih macam budak-budak, suka gelak2 xpernah nak serius. Tambah-tambah lagi kalau dengan suami saya. Tadi suami saya tanya saya seriusly, saya jawab lawak2 xbetul pon jawapan. Dia terus ye, sampai xterkata. haha. Dia pon sama je. Macam ada wayar bersambung antara kitaorang. Apa saya pikir, dia pon pikir sekali. Kadang terkeluar perkataan sama dalam masa yang sama. Nak tau sebab apa, sebab dia suami sayalah (ada kena mengena ke? haha). Ok pendek kata, saya rasa macam lagi erat dengan suami saya sekarang =)

ok kejap lagi nak balik kerja da. Nantilah nak merepek lagi. Ada lagi 2 hari, hari pergi ofis dan xberkerja..hehe

Bila nak pindah ofis ni, bila tengok suasana da semakin sunyi since tinggal saya n sorang je ofismates buat saya rasa sedih tiba-tiba. Uish baru sedar cam eyh da nak pindah ke. Walaupon saya baru kerja sini dalam setahun 8 bulan, terasa macam best sebab dekat. Ofis hour pukul 830am-5pm or 9-530pm. Kadang kalau terlambat bangun pagi, 815 jam ofis (jam ofis cepat 10minit dari jam biasa) baru keluar rumah ke ofis. Memang kadang bawak kereta agak laju tapi sempat jugak sampai ofis 830am. Tu yang seronok je rasanya. hehe. Bila balik pulak, kadang 455pm da tutup computer standby nak balik. Selalu smpai rumah awal jadi rasa bestnya hidup. Hehe.

Tiba-tiba saya terfikir kalau saya pindah dari rumah sekarang nanti mesti terasa jugak kan. Sekarang since suami saya kerja di laut, selalu xde kat rumah, saya duduk lagi di rumah family. Yela kalau sewa rumah pon nanti saya xmo duduk sorang2 kat rumah. Saya ni dahla jenis penakut n kadang-kadang boleh nampak makhluk Allah selain manusia. Takmo takmo. hehe

Bila borak-borak dengan kakak ofis ni, dia cakap nanti bila duduk jauh memangla terasa. Lagi-lagi saya ni xpernah jauh dengan family kecuali masa belajar di melaka dulu. Tu pon tiap-tiap minggu balik rumah. Kakak ofis ni cakap lagi, 'kita ni, kalau suami dah cakap a, kenala ikut a'. Ye betul. 'Kadang-kadang bila kena pilih suami dengan family, kita sebagai isteri kena pilih suami'. Ye betul.

Tapi sebenarnya saya teruja nak hidup sendiri dengan suami saya. Lain ke rasa dia, saya pon xtau. Tapi bila macam tu baru rasa cam, uih aku dah besarlah..haha. Ok, saya sangat busan sekarang ni sebab xada benda nak buat.sebab tu tulis entry busan ni. OK bye

Gratitude

Sekarang ni ramai yang guna other medium macam facebook untuk nak tau pasal perkembangan kawan-kawan lama or people we used to know/closed before. I think it's one of the way of knowing what happen to your friends without asking them. Bukanla macam stalker tu but you know, it's our nature. Human nature nak tau pasal orang lain. I admit that i do that sometimes. Not to be a busybody. Haih camne nak explain, macam tu lah. Kita comment status orang, kita tengok gambar orang tu.."uih dah kahwin kawan aku ni", "Uih, dah ada anaklah".. Lebih kurang macam tulah.

Bila tengok gambar kawan-kawan, or baca status kawan tu, indirectly kita tau dia kerja kat mana. Tengah buat apa and so on. Kadang-kadang indirectly akan comparekan diri dengan mereka2. Things that i am not proud of because it makes me feels like a loser. But when i think furthermore, it's not important what they do, who are they working for. What's important is do i happy with who i am?

I am happy with i have. With who i am. I have a beautiful family who will do anything for me despite i'm no longer their responsibilities as i've married. I have a loving husband who loves me unconditionally and we're expecting. I might not work at a well-known company with a high salary like others but honestly i don't really care as i've earned more than enough. I work near my home so i could save toll and petrol. Some of my friends do ask me why i didnt apply to other company since i've the qualification to do so and i've the experience. I cant really answer that but honestly, i'm happy to be home at 5pm. If i work at a bigger company, i couldnt have that. The precious time. For me, for my husband and for my family. If i were given a choice between time and more money, i'll choose time.

Before being married, i do thinking of changing my job. To work at a well-known company with higher salary. But i guess when we have things that were more important than money, we will choose the important one. Looking back at my life, if i were still 18 yrs old, i might not believe with a person i became now, at 26 yrs old. I'm no longer competitive. Why? i think maybe because i have everything i want despite i never imagine who i became.

At 18 yrs old, when the results are out, i'm thinking of pursuing my studies overseas but since i only obtain 6A's instead of straight A's I thought that i never have the chance so i promise myself to do well in diploma so that i could do my degree outsides m'sia. Being young and naive as i were back then, what i see if i could study overseas is all about the prestige. People will think high of you when you study overseas. How stupid i am at that time. But during diploma i learn to be a failure. All the frustration in my life makes me no longer a competitive person who will do anything to improve herself. I became more relax in life. I accept whatever happens. For example if i fail in studies, i let it be. I am no longer crying for a bad results as i believe, we get what we gave. I dont study, i'll fail. i studied, i'll pass. It became my habits.

So when i get a job with underpaid, i accept it. Why? Because i could relax more. I might not be able to luxury myself with an expensive clothes or bags or shoes. But i'm happy to get back home early. Sometimes when i thinks a lot, i asked myself whether i regret with all the decision i've made. Some i regret. Some were not.

But i am very grateful to Allah for a person i am now. A wife, a daughter and soon to become a mother. I guess every tears i made, every failure i encounter with do pays off ;)

Soalan2 cepumas

When you're married, especially just married, people will ask you certain question.

First question: Duduk mana?

Second question: Dah ada isi? / dah pregnant?

Third question: Eh dah berisi sikit ye badan?

Fourth question: Bila nak ada anak?

Fifth question: Berdua lagi ke?

Kalau saya listkan sampai sepuluh pon, soalan nya sama je. I mean the main question is, da pregnant ke?

haiyoh..i think most of the people have the same opinion with me. It's fine for 4 or 5 people to ask you the question. But when it come to 6 people.. it feels quite annoyed. Anak kan rezeki..

But then baru saya teringat..

Sepanjang kita hidup ni ada je soalan yang akan ditanyakan orang kepada kita.

Saya listkan dari lepas diploma. Nak listkan lepas SPM banyak ok..

Lepas diploma
1. Nak sambung belajar ke terus kerja?

Lepas degree
1. Nak sambung belajar ke terus kerja?
2. if kerja,
i.) Dah apply kerja kat mana?
ii.)Dah dapat kerja?
3. If sambung belajar,
i) sambung belajar apa?
ii) tak sayang umur ke belajar lama2? (true story)

Dah kerja
1. Kerja apa?
2. Kerja dekat mana?
3. Company mana?
4. Duduk mana?
5. Position apa?
6. Gaji berapa?

Dah kerja, still single
1. Bila berdua?
2. Bila nak kahwin?
3. Tak takut jadi anak dara tua/ bujang terlajak ke?
4. Jual mahal sangat kot, tu tak kahwin2 lagi..?
5. Kenapa, tak cukup duit nak kahwin ke?

Dah kahwin
-question as aboved

Dah ada anak
1. Anak dah pandai jalan?
2. Anak dah pandai baca?
3. Anak dah sekolah?
4. Anak berapa?
5. if sorang, bila nak tambah anak?

Bila anak dah besar
1. Anak sekolah dapat nombor berapa? (indirectly nak tanya, anak kau pandai ke..)
2. Anak dapat result pmr/spm apa? (hebat ke anak kau..)
3. Anak dapat masuk universiti tak..
4. Anak dah kerja? Kerja apa?
5. Bila nak dapat menantu?
6. If anak dah kahwin, Bila nak dapat cucu?

Can you see all the question.. Kadang2 orang bertanya tanpa niat apa2..I mean just to mingle around. Tapi ada jugak manusia yang kadang2 tanya for comparison. Contoh, orang tanya berapa gaji anak kita just to compare dengan anak dia untuk tau siapa lagi hebat. Tapi diorang tanya dalam berbahasa. Selalunya kita dapat tau samaada orang tu tanya hanya sebab dia just curious, just nak ada topic berbual kosong or nak compare or busybody.

Soalan takkan pernah putus dalam hidup kita ni. Tapi yang saya pelik, nape orang2 ni tak tanya pulak,

'Bila nak meninggal?......'

'...........'

Kalau dapat soalan ni, agak2 apa reaksi kita?

a> diterajang
b> Dijawab dengan baik
c> menjawab dengan soalan jugak. contoh: bila nak meninggal? erm bila pulak kau meninggal?
d> kau gila ke tanya soalan ni. tu Qada' n Qadar kitalah
e> kau buang tebiat ke ni..agak2 kau yang nak meninggal tak?

'..........................'

Ok, ini post bosan & annoyed bila dapat soalan bukan2.. No heart feelings yah ;)