I woke up this morning with a very sad feeling. I wanted to pour my heart out by writing what i felt. And i did write it but it wasn't finished and i took a break of writing it as tears were running down my cheek while i'm writing it.
It just heartbreaking thinking about the subject i am going to write that is about this coming 17 November 2011. The edd if i still pregnant. I was hoping i could just forget about the date. Things that trigger me was jealousy. I feel envy to some of my friends who were posting the pictures of their just born baby. Or posts their status on fb about their experience on pregnancy as some of them were just pregnant or getting near their due date. I am happy for them but at the same time i am jealous of them for not having problems like i do. They did hurt me without realizing it as they were unaware of my condition. Then i opened iluvislam.com to get motivated by reading the articles.
And guess what? I suddenly realise that everytime when i feel sad about what had happened to me, i was feeling sympathy to myself. Which is actually quite pathetic if i tried to recall again. I keep mourning and asking myself when will this end. When will this pain of losing will go away. And when people told me "dah bukan rezeki" with a blank face (i thought they were but it might not be true) or asked me to tough up since this not just happen to me; it happen to somebody else too, i just feel so freaking angry.
Because they said something that they didnt experienced. It is easier said than done. They might have lost someone they loved but there's always a difference between each lost. What's on my mind,
"They didnt get pregnant and vomit 20 times a day without husband on their side. They didnt feel the heartburn 24/7 and no one to coax them. They didnt feel so vulnerable and too tired to just talk. And the only thing that can get they keep strong is the feeling that they are going to have a child and a strong motherhood reaction that they will do just anything to protect their child even he/she is still small in their womb. They will eat every hours as much as they vomit everytime they eat. They didnt find out they get pregnant without husband on their side to be hugged and experience the joyful moment together..And they didnt have to go to the clinic for checkup by themself alone. And when the first time they went to the clinic with their husband, the suppose to be the most joyful moment in their married life, it became the most frustrating and just like nightmares when what they wanted to do is just woke up from the sleep so that all the nightmares will go away..Only to realize that it wasnt a nightmares. It's reality.. They cant say anything to coax me because they didnt experience what i experienced. What they say is not comforting me at all. It actually makes my wound become deeper and deeper..."
What i didnt remember when i feel sorry to myself is that, i keep telling myself i am okay and i am trying slowly accepting the facts of what had happen to me when i am actually half-heartly accepting all this. There's time when i feel that i'm 'redha' with the tests given by Allah to my husband and i. There's time when i am not. I keep blaming myself for what happen. If only i went to the clinic earlier without waiting for my husband to come home. If only i went to the specialist, not the normal doctor when i feel cramping on my stomach.. If only i could turn back time. I might have save the baby if i did that. At least thats what i thought at that particular moment.
At that moment, I forgot that everything happens for a reason. When i feel so sad, i forgot that there's always another 'thing' that will actually try their best to make me feel angry to the creator. To make me lost my path as a muslims. To makes me forgot that Allah has His plan for my husband and I. Setiap orang tu sentiasa ada syaitan yang memujuk untuk lupa pada Allah. I forgot that sometimes.
When i read the articles from iluvislam.com, i came to my senses. Ujian Allah tu sebenarnya nak buat kita dekat dengannya. Allah takkan uji kita dengan perkara yang kita tak boleh handle. Sama jugak macam orang yang diuji dengan pelbagai sakit. Allah nak menyucikan hamba-Nya sebab sakit tu penghapus dosa2 kecil. Kalau Allah uji kita dengan sakit dan sebagainya maknanya kita antara insan terpilih. Sepatutnya kita kena bersyukur sebab kita jadi insan terpilih. Andai kata hidup kita senang lenang tanpa apa-apa ujian atau sakit, mungkin kita patut risau. Itu yang diberitahu oleh salah seorang kenalan pada saya.
So, for people out there who were or am experiencing the most difficult moment on your life, i cant say that i feel you. What i can say is that, Allah will always be with you on your difficult moment. Cry as much as you can to feel relieve and dont stop praying and asked Allah your wishes. I am ashamed that sometimes i only remember Him when i go through the most difficult days of my life. I was hoping to change for good.
The sentence that gives so much impact to me in that articles was, "..apabila sakit, ucaplah Alhamdulillah..Hanya Allah yang Maha Mengetahui.." Hope the sentence will help others.
Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, Aku mohon maaf atas kelalaianku. Ya Allah, andai kata ujian yang kau berikan ini yang terbaik untukku, tolonglah aku dan suami laluinya dengan penuh tabah, redha dan penuh kesyukuran kepadamu Ya Allah. Kau tetapkanlah hati kami, iman kami padamu agar kami tak melupakanmu. Amin..
No comments:
Post a Comment