Prayer for a little girl

I didnt tell many people what I've been through last year when I had miscarriage. Doctor suspected me having a "L" diseases based on the first blood test result. Frankly, I've heard about the diseases but never know what it is about. On top of that, I had infection, "T". Having a "L" diseases could lead to many other infection since the body is not capable to identify what kind of bacteria is good or bad for the system.

"L' is a diseases that most doctor can conclude cannot be cured for life but can be controllable. Which means when one had diagnosed as a "L" patient, he/she will have to go through their life with that diseases not knowing when it will makes they sick because it can attack anytime, anywhere.

What trigger my memories is of being suspected having a "L" is that, I just found out that my husband's niece, a 6 years old kid was diagnosed as a "L" patient. My heart broke when i heard that. Tears were running down my cheeks.

This is because, I was once being in that kind of situation. I cant even imagine what my sister in law feel at that moment. What i know and from what i've observed from my mother when i told her that doctor suspected me having a "L" and infected by "T", I saw her face changed when I told her that. Since I didnt really know what is "L" , I googled and I told her. I know she couldnt sleep at night.

The doctor gave me medicine for "T" for a month. And for a month, she asked me to eat balanced diet which includes a lot of protein, brisk walk for 45minutes everyday. She told me that if I had "L", it is quite hard for me to get pregnant since I will be given steroid to control my body system. So I asked again, "memang susah nak pregnant, tak boleh pregnant langsung ke?" She answer, "I have a patient that had miscarriage 8 times and when she saw me, she was diagnosed with "L". I have to give her some medicine tapi dia pregnant jugak. Susah masa awal-awal tu. Tapi sorang je anak dia. Tapi kita doa you tak kenalah penyakit ni. Sebab kalau kena I have to refer you to the specialist. Nanti bulatlah you sebab kena makan steroid. Bila dah controllable baru boleh pregnant."

Every word the doctor said at that moment was just like a bom to my face. I think I feel better if she could just stabbed my in the heart and let me die immediately other than having to face the reality. I dont have anyone I could pour my heart at that moment. My husband was currently at offshore at that moment. And when I told him, I expected him to react. But since he was burden by work and never heard about "L", he didnt react as what I expected him to react. I cant really tell him that I could die if I really have "L". And I cant really share my feelings with my mother because I know if I tell my mother, it will burden her even more. I know she couldnt sleep at night thinking of me. She copied my result and gave it to my cousin. She even brought the copy to the clinic we used to go. And the doctor we used to see tell her that based on the result, my result was higher that normal person but below the actual patient with "L". She's the one who introduced me with one supplement. She told my mother that I should try to eat it 6 pills a day, 2 pills at one time.

I still remember when my husband being called during puasa and he has to spend raya working offshore. At that time my husband told me that he has a replacement during raya. So i was excited and waited for him to come back. Turn out that his replacement was not been approved by their client. I cried, of course, and to console me, he said that it's ok, there will always been next year. We could spend raya together next year. And that moment, I feel rage and all the pain I keep, I burst out with a sentence, "kalau ada hidup sampai next year, kalau tak, takdelah..." I dont know why but at that time, I feel that the sentence of, 'next year', 'lain kali', 'nanti-nanti' is not in my diary.

After he get back, I know he does feel like he has to be there for me. So he always accompany me to the clinic. I remember when he's not here when I have to go through this one very painful procedure for me. I went to the clinic alone since my mother was not around and i never thought the doctor will done that. I thought she will just check me and give me some medicine. After that procedure, I didnt know that i feel so sick that I barely can stand, let alone drive. I feel so cold but i am sweating like I've been running 10km. But since I'm alone, kamikaze lah masa tu. Nak call kakak mintak tolong ambik macam dah tahan nak tunggu. So, redah je since the clinic and my house were not far. I was bleeding at that time I reached home. Tau tak sakit period pain macamana. Macam tu lah rasa sakitnya, times 10. I eat panadol, and I recite doa and I try to close my eyes to sleep so that I wont feel anything when i sleep. When I told my mother, she scolded me. Yelah macamana kalau tiba-tiba pengsan tengah jalan kan. And of course, i've been scolded by my husband too. Tapi at that time, I couldnt think. I dont want to burden anyone. Alhamdullillah, with all the pain procedure that I've been through, and consuming the medicine for "T" for several times and  supplement that I never missed, I'm getting better.

Hearing about my husband's niece who is just 6 years old really broke my heart. I know what I've been through. All the nights that I've been through and feeling the pain alone. I didnt told anyone that I cried everytime I prayed. And I know it came to my senses, 'bila sakit baru nak mengadu kat Allah...bila sihat selalu lupa pada Dia'. Sometimes, I even cried when I feel so sick that I barely can sleep,

if me, at that time, 26 years old couldnt bear the pain (eating the supplement does makes me feel a lot of pain since that supplement helps in building a stronger immune system), I dont want even imagine what a 6 year old girl been through. And she has been treated with steroid since she has an aggresive "L" attack, unlike me.. Which means, I only experience half the pain she's been through.

I tried to help by going to the clinic and asked whether she could be given the supplement. The doctor said, she could but since she is given steroid, the doctor has to call someone that experience the same things and she will get back to me. So the only thing I could do now is praying for the health of this little child and I beg for everyone's mercy who is reading this, please do pray for the health of this little child.

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, aku tau yang Kau tahu yang terbaik untuk hamba-hambamu. Tapi kurangkanlah penderitaan anak kecil itu. Sembuhkanlah dia, sihatkanlah dia, Engkau yang menyembuhkan, tidak ada penyembuhan selain penyembuhanMu, penyembuhan yang tidak meninggalkan penyakit.Tabahkanlah ibu bapanya, saudara maranya untuk menempuh dugaan ini, Ya Allah, Yang Maha Pengasih lagi Pemurah.

Amin Ya Rabbilalamin...



Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 286.

"Allah tidak membebani seseorang melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya. Ia mendapat pahala (dari kebajikan) yang diusahakannya dan ia mendapat siksa (dari kejahatan) yang dikerjakannya. (Mereka berdoa): "Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau hukum kami jika kami lupa atau kami tersalah. Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau bebankan kepada kami beban yang berat sebagaimana Engkau bebankan kepada orang-orang sebelum kami. Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau pikulkan kepada kami apa yang tak sanggup kami memikulnya. Beri ma'aflah kami; ampunilah kami; dan rahmatilah kami. Engkaulah Penolong kami, maka tolonglah kami terhadap kaum yang kafir."