Bila Waktu Berakhir

This song make me touched.. The lyric was too meaningful to be ignored..

"Bagaimana kau merasa bangga..akan dunia yang sementara...."

"Bagaimanakah bila semua..hilang dan pergi..meninggalkanmu..."

"Bagaimanakah bila saatnya..waktu terhenti tak kau sedari..."

From my perspective, this song is like a reminder to us about death or after life.. All of us going to leave this world to meet our creator..

I listened to this song over and over and it makes me cry..Frankly, I found this video while thinking some things that happen yesterday night..

Yesterday night was quite a hectic when I found out that my late grandfather's sister, whom I called 'tok mami' can't speak and my auntie and uncle thought she's having a strok..

She cant speak, Macam lidah tergulung macam tu. I cant really think straight at that time. I am afraid if something happen to her. Luckily, my cousin is a doctor. However he's not here. His wife is also a doctor so my uncle let her know and asked her to come to his house immediately.

She checked tok mami and said that she's not having a strok but from her condition, she might having a hypoglycemia or low blood sugar whereby there is an abnormally diminished content of glucose in the blood. My cousin's wife (kak nurin) said it might be because she doesnt eat but she's eating a diabetic pills.

When we reached my uncle's house, they already lift tok mami to be brought to emergency room. So we headed to sdmc. When they lift tok mami to the strecther, she saw my mom and me but couldnt say our name. It's like she's forgot our name. But kak nurin said she gave livita to tok mami and she took a few sip. After drink a few sip only she could speak. Otherwise, she couldnt speak and couldnt remember anything.

We waited for the doctor to checked her and kak nurin went inside with her. Kak Nurin explained to the doctor and when they checked, the reading for glukose was 1.9 whereby a normal reading is 4. That's the reason why tok mami couldnt speak properly..

We waited a few hours while they insert some glukose to tok mami and Alhamdullillah she's fine. She could speak properly but still cant really remember what had happen to her.

Today, she's quite fine as we were forcing her to drink livita. Alhamdullillah..

Different story, I called my sister in law today and she told me that my husband's niece is getting better. Alhamdullillah, another good news. She could eat now unlike before, she doesnt want to eat before. Talking with my sister in law, I notice that her tone was quite different from before.

Before, I can sense a worry tone but today, I sense a quite relieved tone with a hope that her daughter will be fine. I told her that I may not understand her feeling fully but when I was in her condition in that time I know the feeling. "Rasa macam esok dah nak mati dah..", I told her. And she said, "It is..It is.." Sometimes when we're put in the condition where other people dont experience, it mature us.. We know what to expect when others feel the exact same thing..

I guess lesson that I can learn here is, we couldnt even imagine what will happen to us in the future. What we could do is pray for the best for us and our family, InsyaAllah..

Prayer for a little girl

I didnt tell many people what I've been through last year when I had miscarriage. Doctor suspected me having a "L" diseases based on the first blood test result. Frankly, I've heard about the diseases but never know what it is about. On top of that, I had infection, "T". Having a "L" diseases could lead to many other infection since the body is not capable to identify what kind of bacteria is good or bad for the system.

"L' is a diseases that most doctor can conclude cannot be cured for life but can be controllable. Which means when one had diagnosed as a "L" patient, he/she will have to go through their life with that diseases not knowing when it will makes they sick because it can attack anytime, anywhere.

What trigger my memories is of being suspected having a "L" is that, I just found out that my husband's niece, a 6 years old kid was diagnosed as a "L" patient. My heart broke when i heard that. Tears were running down my cheeks.

This is because, I was once being in that kind of situation. I cant even imagine what my sister in law feel at that moment. What i know and from what i've observed from my mother when i told her that doctor suspected me having a "L" and infected by "T", I saw her face changed when I told her that. Since I didnt really know what is "L" , I googled and I told her. I know she couldnt sleep at night.

The doctor gave me medicine for "T" for a month. And for a month, she asked me to eat balanced diet which includes a lot of protein, brisk walk for 45minutes everyday. She told me that if I had "L", it is quite hard for me to get pregnant since I will be given steroid to control my body system. So I asked again, "memang susah nak pregnant, tak boleh pregnant langsung ke?" She answer, "I have a patient that had miscarriage 8 times and when she saw me, she was diagnosed with "L". I have to give her some medicine tapi dia pregnant jugak. Susah masa awal-awal tu. Tapi sorang je anak dia. Tapi kita doa you tak kenalah penyakit ni. Sebab kalau kena I have to refer you to the specialist. Nanti bulatlah you sebab kena makan steroid. Bila dah controllable baru boleh pregnant."

Every word the doctor said at that moment was just like a bom to my face. I think I feel better if she could just stabbed my in the heart and let me die immediately other than having to face the reality. I dont have anyone I could pour my heart at that moment. My husband was currently at offshore at that moment. And when I told him, I expected him to react. But since he was burden by work and never heard about "L", he didnt react as what I expected him to react. I cant really tell him that I could die if I really have "L". And I cant really share my feelings with my mother because I know if I tell my mother, it will burden her even more. I know she couldnt sleep at night thinking of me. She copied my result and gave it to my cousin. She even brought the copy to the clinic we used to go. And the doctor we used to see tell her that based on the result, my result was higher that normal person but below the actual patient with "L". She's the one who introduced me with one supplement. She told my mother that I should try to eat it 6 pills a day, 2 pills at one time.

I still remember when my husband being called during puasa and he has to spend raya working offshore. At that time my husband told me that he has a replacement during raya. So i was excited and waited for him to come back. Turn out that his replacement was not been approved by their client. I cried, of course, and to console me, he said that it's ok, there will always been next year. We could spend raya together next year. And that moment, I feel rage and all the pain I keep, I burst out with a sentence, "kalau ada hidup sampai next year, kalau tak, takdelah..." I dont know why but at that time, I feel that the sentence of, 'next year', 'lain kali', 'nanti-nanti' is not in my diary.

After he get back, I know he does feel like he has to be there for me. So he always accompany me to the clinic. I remember when he's not here when I have to go through this one very painful procedure for me. I went to the clinic alone since my mother was not around and i never thought the doctor will done that. I thought she will just check me and give me some medicine. After that procedure, I didnt know that i feel so sick that I barely can stand, let alone drive. I feel so cold but i am sweating like I've been running 10km. But since I'm alone, kamikaze lah masa tu. Nak call kakak mintak tolong ambik macam dah tahan nak tunggu. So, redah je since the clinic and my house were not far. I was bleeding at that time I reached home. Tau tak sakit period pain macamana. Macam tu lah rasa sakitnya, times 10. I eat panadol, and I recite doa and I try to close my eyes to sleep so that I wont feel anything when i sleep. When I told my mother, she scolded me. Yelah macamana kalau tiba-tiba pengsan tengah jalan kan. And of course, i've been scolded by my husband too. Tapi at that time, I couldnt think. I dont want to burden anyone. Alhamdullillah, with all the pain procedure that I've been through, and consuming the medicine for "T" for several times and  supplement that I never missed, I'm getting better.

Hearing about my husband's niece who is just 6 years old really broke my heart. I know what I've been through. All the nights that I've been through and feeling the pain alone. I didnt told anyone that I cried everytime I prayed. And I know it came to my senses, 'bila sakit baru nak mengadu kat Allah...bila sihat selalu lupa pada Dia'. Sometimes, I even cried when I feel so sick that I barely can sleep,

if me, at that time, 26 years old couldnt bear the pain (eating the supplement does makes me feel a lot of pain since that supplement helps in building a stronger immune system), I dont want even imagine what a 6 year old girl been through. And she has been treated with steroid since she has an aggresive "L" attack, unlike me.. Which means, I only experience half the pain she's been through.

I tried to help by going to the clinic and asked whether she could be given the supplement. The doctor said, she could but since she is given steroid, the doctor has to call someone that experience the same things and she will get back to me. So the only thing I could do now is praying for the health of this little child and I beg for everyone's mercy who is reading this, please do pray for the health of this little child.

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, aku tau yang Kau tahu yang terbaik untuk hamba-hambamu. Tapi kurangkanlah penderitaan anak kecil itu. Sembuhkanlah dia, sihatkanlah dia, Engkau yang menyembuhkan, tidak ada penyembuhan selain penyembuhanMu, penyembuhan yang tidak meninggalkan penyakit.Tabahkanlah ibu bapanya, saudara maranya untuk menempuh dugaan ini, Ya Allah, Yang Maha Pengasih lagi Pemurah.

Amin Ya Rabbilalamin...



Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 286.

"Allah tidak membebani seseorang melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya. Ia mendapat pahala (dari kebajikan) yang diusahakannya dan ia mendapat siksa (dari kejahatan) yang dikerjakannya. (Mereka berdoa): "Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau hukum kami jika kami lupa atau kami tersalah. Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau bebankan kepada kami beban yang berat sebagaimana Engkau bebankan kepada orang-orang sebelum kami. Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau pikulkan kepada kami apa yang tak sanggup kami memikulnya. Beri ma'aflah kami; ampunilah kami; dan rahmatilah kami. Engkaulah Penolong kami, maka tolonglah kami terhadap kaum yang kafir."

Weighing machine

I went out today with my mother and sister. We went out to PKNS and SACC to buy some stuff. There, I saw something that makes me remind the funny part of my life that I shared with my husband. I guess when someone you love were apart from you (his currently work offshore), you tend to find every single things that could remind you of him/her.

Can someone guess what kind of things that I saw?

It was... weighing machine..haha.. Not the simple one yang boleh timbang berat tu, yang boleh ukur tinggi sekali tu..

I still remember that day where my husband and I went to Plaza Alam Sentral to look for my engagement dress as at that moment we were not hitched yet.

He saw the machine and spontaneously said something like this, "Kalau bb naik ni and kalau machine tu boleh cakap, dia cakap, 'Naik sorang-sorang, jangan naik ramai-ramai.." And he laughed so hard.

 I know he's joking but at that moment, I wanted to get even so I spontaneously and jokingly said, "Ala, kalau abg naik, machine ni cakap, 'Berdiri, jangan duduk..." And he laughed even harder. We both laughed so hard that people pass by were looking at us with the looks, 'Gila ke apa diorang ni..' hahaha

I said to him, that if we didnt know each other, mesti dua-dua dah kecik hati. Nasib baik dah kenal yang masing-masing suka buat lawak and kenakan each other.. Haih.. seriously missing the beautiful moment with my beloved husband...

Hormon

Being a girl..eyh a woman? Mcm tua sangat..Ah it doesnt matter. So i start again..hehe

Being a girl/woman I use hormon as the excuse when i feel angry and sad by sudden. I mean betul kan. Perempuan bila nak datang bulan ke pregnant ke, hormon is all over the place. Jadi tiba-tiba boleh rasa sedih. Tiba-tiba jugak boleh rasa nak marah. Pantang orang buat salah sikit, terus rasa nak marah. Padahal selalunya ok je..

Bila guna excuse ni kat suami, die pernah cakap, "Kesian hormon tu, asyik disalahkan je.." But hey, perempuan-perempuan di luar sana, betul tak, bila kita nak datang bulan or preggy, we cant really control our emotion? Tiba-tiba rasa nak marah, lepas marah, tiba-tiba menyesal, dan tiba-tiba juga boleh menangis. Kadang orang cakap dengan nada keras sikit dah boleh menangis ingat kena marah. haha

Nasib baik ketua keluarga ialah suami. Kalo kita, fuh..keputusan banyak berdasarkan emosi pada waktu itu.. Jadinya, sapa setuju yang suami kena banyak bersabar bila isterinya tengah hormon bercelaru angkat kaki tangan anda..haha

Kenangan manis kau dan aku..

My husband called me at about 2am++ today to let me know that he's going back to kampung for a while as he has to be in jb by 8am.. So we talked.. And when he reached his destination, it was about 3.40am++.   I only realised it at about 630 am as it is my biological clock to get up and pray. So i text him and he call me.

We talked about things and he said he that he was hungry. At that moment, i suddenly remembered the time when we travel the whole day from terengganu to his kampung at about 7pm and reached there at about almost 7am the next day.. Which is approximately 12 hours journey. Ok, maybe i should explain, we were backpacking to kuantan, terengganu and we want to go to cherating but there's emergency in kampung the day we reached terengganu so we headed straight from terengganu to muar. And before reached house, both of us were hungry so we plan to stop at any place to eat. But since it was before 6am, we couldnt find any place that open that early. Suddenly, my husband find a place, so we stop and eat. After a while, we try to find that place again but we cant remember where is it and my husband jokingly said, "jangan kedai bunian sudah.." haha

And you know what, at that moment while talking with my husband, i was thinking about all the sweet memories we have together despite of living separately as husband and wife. I told him that i wanted to eat roti canai pagi2 with him just like we had done. It's not the roti canai i miss. The environment and the moment that i miss. Makan roti canai n minum air kopi pagi2 buta bila langit still gelap and bila habis makan da starting sunrise is the moment i wouldnt trade for anything. It just a simple thing i've done but i cant forget it as i do it with the person i love.

And remembering about 'makan roti canai pagi2' makes me remember every moment i went through with my husband..

The day where he told me he loves me so much at the top of the roof while watching sunset..Haih sangat cair time tu..

Or the day where we finally had our best honeymoon after a year of marriage at langkawi. We didnt go to many place. We just live in that moment. Makan cendol n laksa bawah pokok menghadap pantai..best best..

Or the moment where both of us were shocked when we order at turki restaurant as the waitress brought 2 big plate of food. Mula2 bawak 2 pinggan kosong which makes both of us puzzled but didnt say anything as taknak orang tu cakap kiteorg jakun. Hahaha. Bila datang makanan, mak aih, ini bukan untuk makan 2 orang..5 orang pon boleh. Patutlah mahal. And guess what, both of us were thinking the same thing but as we were in our honeymoon, he doesnt want money to get into we having fun. The other funny part is that, both of us mana reti makan makanan turki and since they gave us fork and spoon, we use it to eat the food with bread. Roti arab kan ala2 liat so agak susahla nak potong. The waitress saw the difficulties so she said, roti tu makan pakai tangan lagi senang sebab liat kan.. Haha..Nampak sangat jakun tak pernah makan makanan turki padahal dah berlakon konon-konon nampak sangat confident selalu makan makanan tu..Taktau apa waitress tu pikir lagi..hahaha

The same day, he wanted to surprise me with candle light dinner but as i asked him repeatedly where he'd go, he gave up and told me and said that i ruined his surprise. haha sorry sayang. Dah boleh agak sebenarnya..And masa makan tu, perut still penuh sebab makanan turki tu tak hadam lagi. Tapi makan jugak sebab banyak course. And lagi sekali kena tegur masa makan salad dengan tuna. The waitress said," kalau gaul salad tu lagi sedap sebab ada letak olive oil..".. Inilah kalau orang tak reti makan western2 ni cuba makan western..kat hotel lagi..Malu je..haha

Bila terpikirkan kenangan manis macam ni, tiba-tiba teringat pulak lagu jamal abdillah dengan ogy ahmad daud.. "kenangan manis kau dan aku takkan tergugur...duri ranjau dalam bercinta..lumrah dunia....sayang menyayang..cinta dikenang..perasaan menjadi rindu...wooo.." Cuba nyanyi, jangan baca baru feel..haha

I'm just feeling a bit jiwang right now.. But actually,sometimes when there's a moment where we had unsolved problem or some things that makes us feel said or tak puas hati with our spouse, we should stop for a moment to think about all the sweet memories we had with him/ her. And after that, kalau rasa marah jugak, agaknya kita ni hati batu..hahahaha..

Unforseen future

I heard some bad news last few weeks. My father's bestfriend lost his newborn grandaughter last month. I didnt know whether it's the nurse mistakes or whatsoever, but hearing a story like that making me blaming the hospital.

This event happen when the mom had denggi when she was 36 weeks pregnant. She been told that in order to make sure that the baby didnt get infected too is by doing a c-sect. So she agreed. After giving birth, the doctor did some test and said that the baby is free from denggi. The mom have to go through a blood transfusion since she had a severe denggi infection while the baby was in the incubator since she was prematured baby. The policy is when the baby is premature, she/he had to be in the incubator to be monitored.

After a week, the mom's condition getting better so she been discharged. On the 1st day being discharged, the mother went to the hospital to bf her daughter. After bf her daughter, she went home and a few minutes after that, the nurse call her asking her to went back to the hospital. It happen that the baby is too weak. Turn out that she had denggi and the nurse/doctor didnt realise it. And it became worst when the hospital doesnt has equipment to do some blood transfusion for the baby. They call gov hospital and being rejected since they're full with baby with denggi. SDMC came to the rescue when they agreed to treat the baby. But by that time, the baby is too weak to be saved. So she died when she was about 8 days old.

It may or may not be the hospital mistakes, but still, they should be prepared for the worst isnt it. They are dealing with lives.

What makes feel so sad is that she and her husband was waiting for a long time for a baby. For 3-4yrs to finally get pregnant. But i guess when it meant to be, it meant to be. Who are we to question what will happen in the future right.

I feel so sad and cried as it brings back the memories of mine when i had miscarriage. I couldnt even imagine what she will go through especially when she had to go through confinement without a baby.

And few days after that, through fb, i found out that one of my photographer during wedding's wife has just delivered a baby. A beautiful baby i can i say. I saw all the pic he posted which included his wife. A week after that i learned that his wife past away. It make me scared because it suddenly come to my senses that we will never knew our future. We may be happy but at the same time we may be sad. I couldnt imagine how he felt when he has a newborn daughter without his wife to share the happiness with.

One case, the mother survived but the baby did not. Another case, the baby survived but not the mother. Frankly, i know all of us going to die soon or later but when i learnt both story, it seriously make me scared as we never know what will happen to us.

Semoga Allah memberi petunjuk dan merahmati kehidupan kita di dunia ini, InsyaAllah.

Tangan gatal

Harini saya terasa macam tangan kanan gatal. Orang cakap bila gatal tangan kanan maknanya nak dapat duit. Tapi kalau cerita dekat mak saya dia akan cakap, "basuh tangan tak bersihlah tu.." hahaha

I guess logically memang jawapan mak saya tepat. Apa kaitan gatal tangan dengan dapat duit kan. Kadang-kadang memang banyak benda yang jadi yang dikaitkan dengan sesuatu yang tidak relevan. Contoh lain? Orang cakap bila baby baru lahir keluar air liur banyak, maknanya si ibu masa mengandung dulu tak fulfill makanan semasa mengidam. Sangat tidak berkait..

What i'm trying to say is, siapa yang reka dan kenapa sesuatu perkara yang tiada kaitan antara satu sama lain dikaitkan?