The mortifying moments..

It took me a long time to realize that i had missed miscarriage. Sometimes i do feel like the baby is still growing inside me. To realize that he/she is not growing inside me is so devastating. I still remember the day i went to get a second opinion about my miscarriage. My husband and I watch tv at the clinic and we laughed at the joke and we keep laughing at our own joke. But when we stop talking or laughing, without notice, tears were dropping down my cheeks. Both of us were trying to be strong but we're not. I am not. I tried to be discreet when i cried. Only my husband notice it. Everytime i saw the baby's gloves i cant stop myself from crying.

I remember the day i fetch my husband at the airport and he was too happy to see me and my belly. I remember the day we went for shopping. He bought me so many pregnancy clothes for me..The moment we went shopping and when we reach at the baby's section, i keep telling him that if we had a daughter i want to buy some cute dress for her and i point every dress that i feel cute that i want to buy all those clothes..

I still remember the night before I had the d & c. I slept late at night and i woke up around 5 am in the morning. I cant sleep. I went down to wash some clothes since i cant do it after i had d & c for several days/weeks. I tried to not thinking about it but i just cant help it. I washed the clothes with tears running down my cheeks. I cant control my emotion that time. I cried as much i wish as i knew no one will looked at me with sympathetic looks on their face. That morning, i feel so empty. I try to put a blank face so that no one will knew about what will happen to me. I dont need another sympathetic looks on the nurses. They didnt say it but it shows and it just make me feel worse. My husband and i didnt say a word about what will happen to me. But i know, he feel as much as devastated as i am. He feels nervous that morning. We went to the hospital around 7++..my parents follows me as i knew my parents were also worried about me.

We registered at daily care surgery. Then about 5-10 minutes the nurse called me. My husband kissed me on the cheek and i kissed him back. That is the moment in my life that i will never forget. The nurse asked me to changed to hospital clothes. She took my blood pressure and asked me several question about my health history. Then she asked me to lie down. A few minutes later two doctors came to me to asked me again since they have to sedate me before the operation. I still have the sympathetic looks from them. I heard him talking with his assistant that they have to give me an antibiotic since i had miscarriage on my 6 weeks but at that moment, i've carried my 'child' for about 11 weeks. It might me dangerous for me.

After that, they brought me to the operation theater. That moment, the 1st time i enter OT and at that moment, i feel the emptiness in my heart..in my mind. I remember the time i had to lie down at the special bed for the operation..the moment i lie down i feel scared but the idea of getting my child out from me is mortifying. I still regard it as my child eventhough he/she never had a chance to grew healthily inside me. I cant remember what the doctor had done to me after they gave me oxygen.

Suddenly, the nurse called my name. She said that everything is over. She more concern about my health since i might feel nausea and headache but alhamdullillah i didnt feel those things. I only feel cramping around my stomach area and emptiness in my heart. After she give me rest for a several hours, i was allowed to go home. It was about 11 am that time.

From that day until today, the moment i wrote about what happen to me, i am recovered. It is hard to lose someone u grew with but it's much harder to lose someone who was growing inside u..It is hard for me since i can feel someone inside me before and i cant feel anything now. I feel like i miss the moment where i vomit all day. Now i feel like it was okay to feel what i felt before than what i have to feel now. It was okay to feel so tired and vomiting about 20 times a day rather than the emptiness i had to feel after d & c..

but i'm getting better now with the support of my husband, my family and my friends. Sometimes there's a moment when i feel rage when people told me that there's another person who had lost their child during 8 months of pregnancy and whatsoever. I know they were trying to comfort me to tell me that they were other person who encounter a worse situation and i should be grateful since i didnt encounter the same thing they did. Only they didnt realise that no matter how soon the baby died is not an issue here. I did lose my baby and it was my first child. Our first child. Some people were only asking about my condition. They didnt realize that my husband lose a child too..

But all the rage..all the devastating were slowly went away right now. I'm accepting the test that God gives to us. We were just human. Everything happens for a reason.. I will recover soon enough..It just a matter of time..

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku Yang Maha Mengasihi lagi Maha Mengetahui, andai ini ujian Kau pada kami, kami redha Ya Allah. Ampunilah dosa-dosa kami Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku....

"i wish i could just sleep and keep my eyes closed because this is like that moment in the morning when you first wake up and you're still half asleep and everything seems...things are possible, dreams feel true, and for that one moment between waking and sleeping, anything can be real. And you open your eyes, the sun hits you and you realize that.............

i wish i could just keep my eyes closed.."

Bila Allah sayangkan hambanya, dia akan uji hambanya. Dulu, saya selalu pikir ujian yang diberi kepada saya, saya masih boleh cope. Tapi bila diuji dengan ujian besar yang saya tengah lalui sekarang, terasa macam ada lubang dekat hati saya. Macam lukanya dalam sangat dan sangat susah nak sembuh. Tapi saya percaya, Allah takkan uji saya dengan perkara yang saya tak boleh terima.

Ada sebab kepada perkara ni diuji pada saya dan suami. Selalunya ada hikmah atas apa saja yang berlaku. There's always a reason for what happen. Maybe to teach us to be stronger. Tapi susah nak jadi stronger bila tak boleh control airmata ni dari jatuh.....

macamana nak jadi betul-betul tabah? orang cakap berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu yang dipikul. true..so true....

Bila kawan-kawan ramai nak kahwin tahun ni, teringat last year masa prepare nak kahwin. Boleh dikatakan kami ni rushing jugakla nak kahwin. Orang lain couple 5-6 tahun baru nak kahwin, kadang xjadi kahwin. Or at least orang couple setahun dua baru nak kahwin. Saya dan suami saya? Erm xsampai setahun rapat terus decide nak kahwin. Macam xpercaya je awal2 tu yang kami nak kahwin. Rasa macam jumpa/dating kurang 15 kali then keluar as husband and wife dah. Gilos? maybe. Ntah. hehe. Tapi kalau da jumpa orang yang kita rasa boleh hidup bersama kenapa nak hesitate lagi kan?

Ingat lagi masa first time my husband datang jumpa family. Family saya ingat macam nak kenal-kenal je. Sekali dia terus cakap nak tunang. Terkejut diorang sampai terdiam. Haha.. Situation kakak saya pulak, bila tunang kakak saya datang, sebelum tunang kononnya nak datang merisik tapi xcakap pasal merisik langsung. Tunang kakak saya macam malu nak cakap dengan family dia pasal nak kahwin dengan kakak saya. Mak saya cakap, yang sorang malu sangat sampai nak cakap ngan mak sendiri pon malu. Yang sorang lagi terus cakap direct ngan mak sampai mak terkejut. Haha. Tapi semua pon cakap yang lagi baik cakap direct. Ramai puji suami saya gentleman (dia akan poyo kalo saya cakap dia gentleman.haha).

Masa nak kahwin aritu macam-macam dugaan betul. Yelah, dah rushing nak kahwin kan. Dewan semua penuh. Nasib baik jumpa jugak dewannya. Walaupon xberapa suka dewannya, ambik jugak since dah semua tempat fully booked kan. Tarikh pulak kena cepatkan since my parents request seblum diorang pergi haji. Macam-macamlah. Kalau pikir-pikir balik rasa cam kalaula boleh amend mistake yang saya buat masa preparation tu. Barulah dapat yang diimpikan. Yelah macam setiap orang kan ada wedding of their dream kan. Bila tengok orang lain punya majlis kadang-kadang jeles diorang boleh buat apa yang saya xsempat buat dulu. Tapi bila pikir-pikir lagi sekali, alah, wedding yang semegah mana pon kalau perkahwinan xbahagia pon xguna kan? Duit habis banyak untuk kahwin tapi after kahwin macamana? lagila nak pakai duit banyak lagi. Tapi xpelah, let bygone be bygone. Yang pentingnya masa sekarang and masa depan.

Suami saya baru pulang dari kerja 3 hari. Semalam kami keluar dating beli baju pregnant saya. Tiba-tiba rasa macam dulu-dulu masa zaman belum kahwin except rasa lagi best. Asyik gelak je kami. Macam baru-baru bercinta. hehe. Tadi masa lunch sama pon sama je. Gelak lagi. Alah orang cakap apa, dalam hati ada taman? haha. Kadang saya cam takut je nak jadi mak. Perangai masih macam budak-budak, suka gelak2 xpernah nak serius. Tambah-tambah lagi kalau dengan suami saya. Tadi suami saya tanya saya seriusly, saya jawab lawak2 xbetul pon jawapan. Dia terus ye, sampai xterkata. haha. Dia pon sama je. Macam ada wayar bersambung antara kitaorang. Apa saya pikir, dia pon pikir sekali. Kadang terkeluar perkataan sama dalam masa yang sama. Nak tau sebab apa, sebab dia suami sayalah (ada kena mengena ke? haha). Ok pendek kata, saya rasa macam lagi erat dengan suami saya sekarang =)

ok kejap lagi nak balik kerja da. Nantilah nak merepek lagi. Ada lagi 2 hari, hari pergi ofis dan xberkerja..hehe

Bila nak pindah ofis ni, bila tengok suasana da semakin sunyi since tinggal saya n sorang je ofismates buat saya rasa sedih tiba-tiba. Uish baru sedar cam eyh da nak pindah ke. Walaupon saya baru kerja sini dalam setahun 8 bulan, terasa macam best sebab dekat. Ofis hour pukul 830am-5pm or 9-530pm. Kadang kalau terlambat bangun pagi, 815 jam ofis (jam ofis cepat 10minit dari jam biasa) baru keluar rumah ke ofis. Memang kadang bawak kereta agak laju tapi sempat jugak sampai ofis 830am. Tu yang seronok je rasanya. hehe. Bila balik pulak, kadang 455pm da tutup computer standby nak balik. Selalu smpai rumah awal jadi rasa bestnya hidup. Hehe.

Tiba-tiba saya terfikir kalau saya pindah dari rumah sekarang nanti mesti terasa jugak kan. Sekarang since suami saya kerja di laut, selalu xde kat rumah, saya duduk lagi di rumah family. Yela kalau sewa rumah pon nanti saya xmo duduk sorang2 kat rumah. Saya ni dahla jenis penakut n kadang-kadang boleh nampak makhluk Allah selain manusia. Takmo takmo. hehe

Bila borak-borak dengan kakak ofis ni, dia cakap nanti bila duduk jauh memangla terasa. Lagi-lagi saya ni xpernah jauh dengan family kecuali masa belajar di melaka dulu. Tu pon tiap-tiap minggu balik rumah. Kakak ofis ni cakap lagi, 'kita ni, kalau suami dah cakap a, kenala ikut a'. Ye betul. 'Kadang-kadang bila kena pilih suami dengan family, kita sebagai isteri kena pilih suami'. Ye betul.

Tapi sebenarnya saya teruja nak hidup sendiri dengan suami saya. Lain ke rasa dia, saya pon xtau. Tapi bila macam tu baru rasa cam, uih aku dah besarlah..haha. Ok, saya sangat busan sekarang ni sebab xada benda nak buat.sebab tu tulis entry busan ni. OK bye

Gratitude

Sekarang ni ramai yang guna other medium macam facebook untuk nak tau pasal perkembangan kawan-kawan lama or people we used to know/closed before. I think it's one of the way of knowing what happen to your friends without asking them. Bukanla macam stalker tu but you know, it's our nature. Human nature nak tau pasal orang lain. I admit that i do that sometimes. Not to be a busybody. Haih camne nak explain, macam tu lah. Kita comment status orang, kita tengok gambar orang tu.."uih dah kahwin kawan aku ni", "Uih, dah ada anaklah".. Lebih kurang macam tulah.

Bila tengok gambar kawan-kawan, or baca status kawan tu, indirectly kita tau dia kerja kat mana. Tengah buat apa and so on. Kadang-kadang indirectly akan comparekan diri dengan mereka2. Things that i am not proud of because it makes me feels like a loser. But when i think furthermore, it's not important what they do, who are they working for. What's important is do i happy with who i am?

I am happy with i have. With who i am. I have a beautiful family who will do anything for me despite i'm no longer their responsibilities as i've married. I have a loving husband who loves me unconditionally and we're expecting. I might not work at a well-known company with a high salary like others but honestly i don't really care as i've earned more than enough. I work near my home so i could save toll and petrol. Some of my friends do ask me why i didnt apply to other company since i've the qualification to do so and i've the experience. I cant really answer that but honestly, i'm happy to be home at 5pm. If i work at a bigger company, i couldnt have that. The precious time. For me, for my husband and for my family. If i were given a choice between time and more money, i'll choose time.

Before being married, i do thinking of changing my job. To work at a well-known company with higher salary. But i guess when we have things that were more important than money, we will choose the important one. Looking back at my life, if i were still 18 yrs old, i might not believe with a person i became now, at 26 yrs old. I'm no longer competitive. Why? i think maybe because i have everything i want despite i never imagine who i became.

At 18 yrs old, when the results are out, i'm thinking of pursuing my studies overseas but since i only obtain 6A's instead of straight A's I thought that i never have the chance so i promise myself to do well in diploma so that i could do my degree outsides m'sia. Being young and naive as i were back then, what i see if i could study overseas is all about the prestige. People will think high of you when you study overseas. How stupid i am at that time. But during diploma i learn to be a failure. All the frustration in my life makes me no longer a competitive person who will do anything to improve herself. I became more relax in life. I accept whatever happens. For example if i fail in studies, i let it be. I am no longer crying for a bad results as i believe, we get what we gave. I dont study, i'll fail. i studied, i'll pass. It became my habits.

So when i get a job with underpaid, i accept it. Why? Because i could relax more. I might not be able to luxury myself with an expensive clothes or bags or shoes. But i'm happy to get back home early. Sometimes when i thinks a lot, i asked myself whether i regret with all the decision i've made. Some i regret. Some were not.

But i am very grateful to Allah for a person i am now. A wife, a daughter and soon to become a mother. I guess every tears i made, every failure i encounter with do pays off ;)