The mortifying moments..

It took me a long time to realize that i had missed miscarriage. Sometimes i do feel like the baby is still growing inside me. To realize that he/she is not growing inside me is so devastating. I still remember the day i went to get a second opinion about my miscarriage. My husband and I watch tv at the clinic and we laughed at the joke and we keep laughing at our own joke. But when we stop talking or laughing, without notice, tears were dropping down my cheeks. Both of us were trying to be strong but we're not. I am not. I tried to be discreet when i cried. Only my husband notice it. Everytime i saw the baby's gloves i cant stop myself from crying.

I remember the day i fetch my husband at the airport and he was too happy to see me and my belly. I remember the day we went for shopping. He bought me so many pregnancy clothes for me..The moment we went shopping and when we reach at the baby's section, i keep telling him that if we had a daughter i want to buy some cute dress for her and i point every dress that i feel cute that i want to buy all those clothes..

I still remember the night before I had the d & c. I slept late at night and i woke up around 5 am in the morning. I cant sleep. I went down to wash some clothes since i cant do it after i had d & c for several days/weeks. I tried to not thinking about it but i just cant help it. I washed the clothes with tears running down my cheeks. I cant control my emotion that time. I cried as much i wish as i knew no one will looked at me with sympathetic looks on their face. That morning, i feel so empty. I try to put a blank face so that no one will knew about what will happen to me. I dont need another sympathetic looks on the nurses. They didnt say it but it shows and it just make me feel worse. My husband and i didnt say a word about what will happen to me. But i know, he feel as much as devastated as i am. He feels nervous that morning. We went to the hospital around 7++..my parents follows me as i knew my parents were also worried about me.

We registered at daily care surgery. Then about 5-10 minutes the nurse called me. My husband kissed me on the cheek and i kissed him back. That is the moment in my life that i will never forget. The nurse asked me to changed to hospital clothes. She took my blood pressure and asked me several question about my health history. Then she asked me to lie down. A few minutes later two doctors came to me to asked me again since they have to sedate me before the operation. I still have the sympathetic looks from them. I heard him talking with his assistant that they have to give me an antibiotic since i had miscarriage on my 6 weeks but at that moment, i've carried my 'child' for about 11 weeks. It might me dangerous for me.

After that, they brought me to the operation theater. That moment, the 1st time i enter OT and at that moment, i feel the emptiness in my heart..in my mind. I remember the time i had to lie down at the special bed for the operation..the moment i lie down i feel scared but the idea of getting my child out from me is mortifying. I still regard it as my child eventhough he/she never had a chance to grew healthily inside me. I cant remember what the doctor had done to me after they gave me oxygen.

Suddenly, the nurse called my name. She said that everything is over. She more concern about my health since i might feel nausea and headache but alhamdullillah i didnt feel those things. I only feel cramping around my stomach area and emptiness in my heart. After she give me rest for a several hours, i was allowed to go home. It was about 11 am that time.

From that day until today, the moment i wrote about what happen to me, i am recovered. It is hard to lose someone u grew with but it's much harder to lose someone who was growing inside u..It is hard for me since i can feel someone inside me before and i cant feel anything now. I feel like i miss the moment where i vomit all day. Now i feel like it was okay to feel what i felt before than what i have to feel now. It was okay to feel so tired and vomiting about 20 times a day rather than the emptiness i had to feel after d & c..

but i'm getting better now with the support of my husband, my family and my friends. Sometimes there's a moment when i feel rage when people told me that there's another person who had lost their child during 8 months of pregnancy and whatsoever. I know they were trying to comfort me to tell me that they were other person who encounter a worse situation and i should be grateful since i didnt encounter the same thing they did. Only they didnt realise that no matter how soon the baby died is not an issue here. I did lose my baby and it was my first child. Our first child. Some people were only asking about my condition. They didnt realize that my husband lose a child too..

But all the rage..all the devastating were slowly went away right now. I'm accepting the test that God gives to us. We were just human. Everything happens for a reason.. I will recover soon enough..It just a matter of time..

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku Yang Maha Mengasihi lagi Maha Mengetahui, andai ini ujian Kau pada kami, kami redha Ya Allah. Ampunilah dosa-dosa kami Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku....