Yang muda, akan tua..

Yang sihat, akan sakit...

Yang datang, akan pergi..

Yang hidup, akan mati...

Mati itu akan datang bila-bila, tak kira masa..

Tapi bersediakah kita dengan mati?

..............................

Today is always better than yesterday

Betul lah orang cakap..masa memang boleh sembuhkan luka (luar n dalam). i dont really feel so lost and empty like before. The pain is still there. Only that i feel much better now. I do feel stomach ache occasionally especially when i have to climb stairs but i think i'm ok.

I used to think that i am too fortunate to be part of my family. To have life i had before anything happened. I didnt have much problem only crisis with myself (which is silly i.e to know what i really want to do in life). When i'm still young, looking at my friends who having family issue or other problems that could include anything, i feel fortunate and grateful and sometimes i feel envy because problems they were facing makes them mature more than i am. Now, i realize that i'm so stupid at that time.

Allah has their plan ahead for us. I do realize it that now. Facing what i am facing right now, having to know that i may have severe problems more than miscarriage makes me realize that. But i know, Allah will be there for me. My husband, my family will be besides me all the time. And i always could rely on surah al-baqarah ayat 286, "Allah takkan membebani seseorang melainkan dengan kesanggupannya......."

Travelling to shah alam everyday since we have moved out from the former office has its pros and cons.

Pros-
1. it only took 10-15minutes to get home after working long hours
2. it took only 3-5 minutes to reached shah alam after toll
3. sometimes it took only 10-15minutes to reached office
4. there are a lot of restaurant near by my office (walking distance)

Cons
1. toll= RM 2.20 per day
2. Expenses for petrol increased
3. Food in shah alam were more expensive than we used to eat in subang
4. I have to go through heavy traffic in subang to enter federal highway. Likewise when i reached shah alam.. haih

ok busan entry ni..

Tukar topic.

Kadang-kadang bila mood saya turun naik, saya tend to jadi gila buat lawak tak kena masa. Kat ofis saya ada sorang ofismate yang kadang-kadang bila orang tanya mesti dia jawab jawapn tak betul dulu baru jawapan betul.

Tadi dia tanya saya, dah buat PMR? (shortform nama untuk satu company yang assign co. saya untuk buat acc)

Jawapan saya? Lama dah.. 10 tahun lepas.. hahaha.. terus dia diam buat muka sedih sampai orang lain tanya kenapa. Bila cerita balik, kakak ofis lain cakap padan muka..selalu kenakan orang, ni dah sendiri terkena..haha..

Sapa yang paham, paham..yang tak paham, macam biasalah, buat2 paham..hahaha

why does it still hurt me so bad. it has been 2 weeks and it still hurt me. reading everyone status on mother's day, how much they love their mother and i dont know why but it makes me feel bad. and i have no one to talk about it.. i feel empty as much as i feel lonely..

The mortifying moments..

It took me a long time to realize that i had missed miscarriage. Sometimes i do feel like the baby is still growing inside me. To realize that he/she is not growing inside me is so devastating. I still remember the day i went to get a second opinion about my miscarriage. My husband and I watch tv at the clinic and we laughed at the joke and we keep laughing at our own joke. But when we stop talking or laughing, without notice, tears were dropping down my cheeks. Both of us were trying to be strong but we're not. I am not. I tried to be discreet when i cried. Only my husband notice it. Everytime i saw the baby's gloves i cant stop myself from crying.

I remember the day i fetch my husband at the airport and he was too happy to see me and my belly. I remember the day we went for shopping. He bought me so many pregnancy clothes for me..The moment we went shopping and when we reach at the baby's section, i keep telling him that if we had a daughter i want to buy some cute dress for her and i point every dress that i feel cute that i want to buy all those clothes..

I still remember the night before I had the d & c. I slept late at night and i woke up around 5 am in the morning. I cant sleep. I went down to wash some clothes since i cant do it after i had d & c for several days/weeks. I tried to not thinking about it but i just cant help it. I washed the clothes with tears running down my cheeks. I cant control my emotion that time. I cried as much i wish as i knew no one will looked at me with sympathetic looks on their face. That morning, i feel so empty. I try to put a blank face so that no one will knew about what will happen to me. I dont need another sympathetic looks on the nurses. They didnt say it but it shows and it just make me feel worse. My husband and i didnt say a word about what will happen to me. But i know, he feel as much as devastated as i am. He feels nervous that morning. We went to the hospital around 7++..my parents follows me as i knew my parents were also worried about me.

We registered at daily care surgery. Then about 5-10 minutes the nurse called me. My husband kissed me on the cheek and i kissed him back. That is the moment in my life that i will never forget. The nurse asked me to changed to hospital clothes. She took my blood pressure and asked me several question about my health history. Then she asked me to lie down. A few minutes later two doctors came to me to asked me again since they have to sedate me before the operation. I still have the sympathetic looks from them. I heard him talking with his assistant that they have to give me an antibiotic since i had miscarriage on my 6 weeks but at that moment, i've carried my 'child' for about 11 weeks. It might me dangerous for me.

After that, they brought me to the operation theater. That moment, the 1st time i enter OT and at that moment, i feel the emptiness in my heart..in my mind. I remember the time i had to lie down at the special bed for the operation..the moment i lie down i feel scared but the idea of getting my child out from me is mortifying. I still regard it as my child eventhough he/she never had a chance to grew healthily inside me. I cant remember what the doctor had done to me after they gave me oxygen.

Suddenly, the nurse called my name. She said that everything is over. She more concern about my health since i might feel nausea and headache but alhamdullillah i didnt feel those things. I only feel cramping around my stomach area and emptiness in my heart. After she give me rest for a several hours, i was allowed to go home. It was about 11 am that time.

From that day until today, the moment i wrote about what happen to me, i am recovered. It is hard to lose someone u grew with but it's much harder to lose someone who was growing inside u..It is hard for me since i can feel someone inside me before and i cant feel anything now. I feel like i miss the moment where i vomit all day. Now i feel like it was okay to feel what i felt before than what i have to feel now. It was okay to feel so tired and vomiting about 20 times a day rather than the emptiness i had to feel after d & c..

but i'm getting better now with the support of my husband, my family and my friends. Sometimes there's a moment when i feel rage when people told me that there's another person who had lost their child during 8 months of pregnancy and whatsoever. I know they were trying to comfort me to tell me that they were other person who encounter a worse situation and i should be grateful since i didnt encounter the same thing they did. Only they didnt realise that no matter how soon the baby died is not an issue here. I did lose my baby and it was my first child. Our first child. Some people were only asking about my condition. They didnt realize that my husband lose a child too..

But all the rage..all the devastating were slowly went away right now. I'm accepting the test that God gives to us. We were just human. Everything happens for a reason.. I will recover soon enough..It just a matter of time..

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku Yang Maha Mengasihi lagi Maha Mengetahui, andai ini ujian Kau pada kami, kami redha Ya Allah. Ampunilah dosa-dosa kami Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku....