Dejavu

I have a feeling, that i might be pregnant again.

To my surprise, both my husband and i get the same dream (not at the same time though), ie, i was pregnant. I didnt tell him when i get that dream. I guess sometimes when you put to much hope on it, it will appear on your dream. That's what i thought when i get that dream, so i didnt tell my husband. And when one morning when i woke him up, he suddenly burst out, "abg mimpi bb pregnant". It took my attention. Orang cakap dalam mimpi kita tu selalu terbalik. Contoh, kalau kita mimpi kita kahwin dengan orang A, yang betul-betul jadi ialah, kita tak jadi kahwin dengan orang A. Tapi orang cakap. Belum tentu betul kan. Itu semua kuasa Allah.

And since my blood test result finally turn out to be ok after 4th time of testing (Alhamdullilah), the doctor allowed me and husband to started to try to conceived again. But i will double check everything again to be sure.

I still feel 50-50 because i wanted to prepare mentally and physically before we started to try again. The pain of losing is still here. I dont think it will go away for the time being. But, u know, i am still hoping to get pregnant again without any fuss i have to go through.

I started to feel just like i was pregnant before. So bloated. feel nausea at certain time. And feel cramping around my stomach. It is like a dejavu.

But unfortunately for me, everytime i get my menses after d &c procedure, i always feel bloated and fatigue. Especially when i didnt get my menses for almost 5 months after d&c which was quite a worry to me and the doctor as it is not normal for not having menses for that long. But the problem solves after 5 months. Not that i'm not fertile, but because some other reason that i dont really like to share here. What i'm trying to say here is that, the symptom of getting pregnant and menses was quite the same for me.

The only solutions for me is to wait for that date. The date i should get my menses. So....

Turn out that i didnt get pregnant. I didnt know what i feel right now. I didnt tell my husband the whole story from the begining since he's busy and i know both of us are still cant get over the first pregnancy so the second one would be harder. And i always know that Allah has better plan for us so ya, He might want my husband and i to be prepared mentally and physically for the second one.

And since i still feel unwell for several time, i think that i should be fit before anything happen. I'm lying if i said i didnt put hope to be mother soon enough but i guess from what i experiencing, from all the pain i've been through, after several of blood test, the pain of needle go through my skin, all the medicine i have to eat, i think, Allah wants the best for my husband and i. He knows everything. So want i can do now is, trying so hard to be fit inside and out. InsyaAllah ;)

Masterchef?

Being at home and as i am jobless for now (ok, i have a job but i prefer to do it at my own time. bukan 8-5 lagi), makes me keep watching tv and khatam all the novels i used to read when i'm still a student. Tv show that i like to watch now is masterchef malaysia. Ok, rasa agak pelik bila compare both malaysia version and us version. Malaysia version is quite skema, in my opinion.

But it was fun though. And tak sangka ramai orang boleh masak hebat2 dalam masa yang cepat. Rasa sangat kagum dengan diorang. Untuk orang macam saya yang baru berjinak-jinak nak masak2 ala2 kampung style ni tengok orang kita boleh masak makanan yang nampak sangat sedap buat saya rasa terinspirasi. Haha ayat bm saya agak teruk, sila abaikan. Bare with me ya. hehe

Actually, yang buat saya sangat2 kagum is that diorang boleh masak macam2 dalam masa yang saya rasa agak singkat. I mean, 45min je nak masak kadang2 2-3 dishes? Pergh, sangat kagum. Kena belajar cara yang cepat jugak ni. Tapi yang pasti bila nak masak je kena ada mood. And selalunya mood tak ada bila en suami jauh. Jadi boleh tak instead of imitate cara diorang masak, saya imitate cara judge tu bagi arahan. And dah try pon tadi dengan kakak saya yang masak tadi.

my sis: (sibuk kat dapur)
saya: Masa yang diberikan hanya 30 min. Masa yang tinggal hanya 15minit sahaja.
my sis : (gelak sambil tak puas hati saya bahan dia)
saya: Masa yang tinggal kini hanya 10 saat. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6............
my mom dah gelak2..
my sis: (sambil gelak, sambil menghalau saya keluar dapur)

Moral, erm kacaulah family anda ketika en suami jauh or ketika anda bosan. Tak rugi. haha

ok, saya baru first time guna breadmaker and buat roti setelah beli breadmaker berbulan lepas sampai kena perli dengan en suami sebab tak buat2. haha. Jadi a day before yesterday, mood dengan tiba2 datang. Terpaksalah buat bagi en suami jeles takde kat subang ni nak rasa hasil ulian tangan saya ni. Eh, kenapa tulis panjang2 ni. Mission sebenarnya nak berlagak da boleh buat pizza sendiri walaupon roti agak keras. hehe. And btw, yang hijau tu bukan petai. en suami boleh ingat petai pulak. hahaha

happily ever after...or not?

Do you remember when we still a child where we were given a story book such as snow white, cinderella whereby the heroine will always suffer at first and then meet her prince and live happily ever after?

Do you at least once feels like you are going to be like them? I do.. when i was a child..

When we still a child, we do not have to face any difficulties in life and we were given a perspective that when we became adult, there are still no problem to live happily ever after just like the book we used to read..

And we were still a child we wish of getting older faster than it should be. So that we could have our own decision on what to do or where to have fun without any interruption by our parent. And the dream of getting married to a prince/princess and live happily ever after.

Who to blame? Do we blame the book. Or maybe the writer. He gave a wrong perspective of life that we might be sad at first but we will be happy eventually.. He did not write the truth.. He did not tell the story after the princess gets married to her prince. He didnt mention that after being married with her prince, both her and her prince might face some difficulties that they would never forget. And it might be so hard that it will ache even just thinking about it.

So who to blame? Adult who tells lie? Adult who just want children to experience happiness by creating a character like cinderella before they became adult and facing problem and didnt experience happiness like being told in the bedtime story..

Cendol + tempe goreng

Duduk senang-lenang macam ni tiba-tiba teringat suasana best masa di kampung yang mana bila petang je saya selalu mengendeng ngan encik suami tercinta ajak pegi makan cendol bawah pokok sambil makan tempe goreng cicah sambal kicap... haih.... kat subang ni mana nak dapat suasana macam tu ye?

ice cream flavour..

Bila terbaca or terdengar kisah budak-budak yang umurnya baru setahun jagung bercinta dan putus cinta n cerita betapa sakitnya hati sebab putus cinta, terasa macam nak beritahu dia,

"Girl, there are so much pain that awaits you in your future, when you're adult. So just enjoy the moment, fall in love, a lot..Because when you're adult, there's things that you can't change and when you're feeling pain, no one can help you but yourself..'

Tapi siapa saya nak judge kan. Saya bukan dia. Saya tak rasa apa dia rasa. Cuma kalau masa ni boleh dihentikan, saya nak berhenti masa saya masih kanak-kanak yang mana masalah saya cumalah nak kena buat pilihan flavour ice-cream yang saya nak beli..hehehe

Surreal..

It just feel surreal that i've been married for a year now.. My husband were not here with me now. But still, I thank Allah for giving me one of the greatest gift in the world, my husband. Happy Anniversary, dear beloved husband.. You're my husband, best friend, my world, my everything..

"Apabila sakit, ucaplah Alhamdullilah..."

I woke up this morning with a very sad feeling. I wanted to pour my heart out by writing what i felt. And i did write it but it wasn't finished and i took a break of writing it as tears were running down my cheek while i'm writing it.

It just heartbreaking thinking about the subject i am going to write that is about this coming 17 November 2011. The edd if i still pregnant. I was hoping i could just forget about the date. Things that trigger me was jealousy. I feel envy to some of my friends who were posting the pictures of their just born baby. Or posts their status on fb about their experience on pregnancy as some of them were just pregnant or getting near their due date. I am happy for them but at the same time i am jealous of them for not having problems like i do. They did hurt me without realizing it as they were unaware of my condition. Then i opened iluvislam.com to get motivated by reading the articles.

And guess what? I suddenly realise that everytime when i feel sad about what had happened to me, i was feeling sympathy to myself. Which is actually quite pathetic if i tried to recall again. I keep mourning and asking myself when will this end. When will this pain of losing will go away. And when people told me "dah bukan rezeki" with a blank face (i thought they were but it might not be true) or asked me to tough up since this not just happen to me; it happen to somebody else too, i just feel so freaking angry.

Because they said something that they didnt experienced. It is easier said than done. They might have lost someone they loved but there's always a difference between each lost. What's on my mind,

"They didnt get pregnant and vomit 20 times a day without husband on their side. They didnt feel the heartburn 24/7 and no one to coax them. They didnt feel so vulnerable and too tired to just talk. And the only thing that can get they keep strong is the feeling that they are going to have a child and a strong motherhood reaction that they will do just anything to protect their child even he/she is still small in their womb. They will eat every hours as much as they vomit everytime they eat. They didnt find out they get pregnant without husband on their side to be hugged and experience the joyful moment together..And they didnt have to go to the clinic for checkup by themself alone. And when the first time they went to the clinic with their husband, the suppose to be the most joyful moment in their married life, it became the most frustrating and just like nightmares when what they wanted to do is just woke up from the sleep so that all the nightmares will go away..Only to realize that it wasnt a nightmares. It's reality.. They cant say anything to coax me because they didnt experience what i experienced. What they say is not comforting me at all. It actually makes my wound become deeper and deeper..."

What i didnt remember when i feel sorry to myself is that, i keep telling myself i am okay and i am trying slowly accepting the facts of what had happen to me when i am actually half-heartly accepting all this. There's time when i feel that i'm 'redha' with the tests given by Allah to my husband and i. There's time when i am not. I keep blaming myself for what happen. If only i went to the clinic earlier without waiting for my husband to come home. If only i went to the specialist, not the normal doctor when i feel cramping on my stomach.. If only i could turn back time. I might have save the baby if i did that. At least thats what i thought at that particular moment.

At that moment, I forgot that everything happens for a reason. When i feel so sad, i forgot that there's always another 'thing' that will actually try their best to make me feel angry to the creator. To make me lost my path as a muslims. To makes me forgot that Allah has His plan for my husband and I. Setiap orang tu sentiasa ada syaitan yang memujuk untuk lupa pada Allah. I forgot that sometimes.

When i read the articles from iluvislam.com, i came to my senses. Ujian Allah tu sebenarnya nak buat kita dekat dengannya. Allah takkan uji kita dengan perkara yang kita tak boleh handle. Sama jugak macam orang yang diuji dengan pelbagai sakit. Allah nak menyucikan hamba-Nya sebab sakit tu penghapus dosa2 kecil. Kalau Allah uji kita dengan sakit dan sebagainya maknanya kita antara insan terpilih. Sepatutnya kita kena bersyukur sebab kita jadi insan terpilih. Andai kata hidup kita senang lenang tanpa apa-apa ujian atau sakit, mungkin kita patut risau. Itu yang diberitahu oleh salah seorang kenalan pada saya.

So, for people out there who were or am experiencing the most difficult moment on your life, i cant say that i feel you. What i can say is that, Allah will always be with you on your difficult moment. Cry as much as you can to feel relieve and dont stop praying and asked Allah your wishes. I am ashamed that sometimes i only remember Him when i go through the most difficult days of my life. I was hoping to change for good.

The sentence that gives so much impact to me in that articles was, "..apabila sakit, ucaplah Alhamdulillah..Hanya Allah yang Maha Mengetahui.." Hope the sentence will help others.

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, Aku mohon maaf atas kelalaianku. Ya Allah, andai kata ujian yang kau berikan ini yang terbaik untukku, tolonglah aku dan suami laluinya dengan penuh tabah, redha dan penuh kesyukuran kepadamu Ya Allah. Kau tetapkanlah hati kami, iman kami padamu agar kami tak melupakanmu. Amin..